It is cool out. Dark. 53 degrees. I’ve been eating too much lately. Ever since Mom went into the hospital in September, I’ve been off my game. She is still around by the way. The heart thing is in check for now.
Tonight though, my daughter is prepping to go on a “retreat” of sorts with her 7th grade class. My husband is going as a chaperone for the boys. I’m going to be alone for four nights, though I’ll probably be helping out Mom one of those. Part of me is looking forward to it but another part is feeling a bit sad. I feel like a lot of change is going on this year. The quiet type. My Mom winding down. My daughter growing up. We went and visited the high school she will probably attend in two years today. It was exciting, for me. I think it was a bit overwhelming for her. The school is much smaller than the high school I went to. But for her I think this is a good thing. I hope, if she chooses to go there, it is a good fit.
Meanwhile, I keep thinking I want to change jobs, but with my Mom still… here… I’m using my time at the college to use FMLA. Something that would be much more difficult in a new job. My Aunt is still in hospice, though she seems to still be going strong. She still just drinks Ensure and eats cookies. She is very confused. My Mom too has gotten confused, though with her it seems to be more related to UTIs. I find the confusion in my elderly family members much more challenging than any life threatening disease. Probably because it changes their personalities. The disease might ultimately kill them, but it doesn’t change who they are. The confusion, takes away the assuredness that I have always seen in my elders. Especially the women.
I’ve been lucky to have so many strong women in my life. They may not have risen to prominence by societal standards, but they have shown me what grace and wisdom looks like. They have shown forbearance in the toll that is the whimsy of societal thought. They have been a constant in an ever changing world. To know that will be going away from my life is sad and a bit scary. There is so much change in life and to lose the anchors of those who have come before to age reminds me of the fleeting thing that is life.
I’ve seen more harsh versions of it in those who are my age who have been ill or who have died before their time. Or rather maybe society’s time for them. Because they were younger. But ultimately we don’t always decide the time or place when the door to the next chapter begins. I have been fortunate to be able to avoid this even in the past almost two years of the pandemic. I’ve been able to be with my family and stay in touch with my closest friends. The world has changed so much and yet my foundation has stayed the same. In some cases even become clearer.
Tonight though, and tomorrow, I’m reminded of what life is like without those I live with around me all the time. That safety blanket will be gone for a time. I suppose it is a good time to remind me of the many people, places and things I am grateful for. After all November is the month of gratitude and Thanksgiving.