This topic has been in my mind for some time but I haven’t had the will or energy to address it until now. We are 5 weeks (I think) into this shelter in place (SIP) in Northern California. The extended nature of this SIP, is particularly challenging for those who have mental health issues or who haven’t been sure but are finding themselves more on edge in these strange days. I’m somewhat familiar with these feelings since I have had clinical depression for most of my life. I have been on medication for it for 26 years now. It is something I have struggled with, pretty much since adolescence. It is one of those invisible diseases that I usually try to ignore as to its impact on me and my interactions with the world. One thing about a pandemic though, the old rulebook gets thrown out.
I have had one on one therapy over the years. I had started on another round going into this situation slightly before it escalated to a shelter in place. Much of my personal stress was related to dealing with an aging parent and another aging relative who I have some responsibility over. Additionally I have a husband and 10 year old daughter. Lest I forget I also have a full time job. So relatively “normal” but when any part of that equation ratchets up, so does my stress and often my depression and it’s lovely cousin anxiety.
I have tools. But some days one doesn’t want to get out of bed. I do get out of bed by 7:00 AM, but often by mid-afternoon, and sometimes as early as mid-morning, I get stuck. Getting stuck usually results in being overwhelmed. I can’t do simple tasks because my body is in a panic. When in a panic, I usually am HIGHLY irritable. I manage this usually by quiet. But when a stressor of needing to complete something for a project, or deal with a family member or some self-imposed crisis presents itself, I put in a lot of mental energy to complete the project and maintain a socially acceptable way to cope with the stressor at large. Once that is done, I usually am exhausted. This may seem odd to those who do not experience either depression or anxiety, but believe me it is very real. I’m naturally an introvert as well so my way to recharge is to get away from people. Whether in a normal at home environment or work environment, this can be challenging. I usually have to defer these feelings to recharge which usually takes even more energy.
In the current world of shelter in place, I am at home with two of the people I love most in the world. The sad thing is, this doesn’t always make things easier. You would think it would. Believe me I realize how truly lucky I am and don’t want to end up in directing my anxiety that comes out after a particularly large stressor. So you can imagine, being in a pandemic where you are locked in for your safety, could be triggering. Being in a lockdown, albeit to be safe, can at times feel like a punishment even for an introvert like myself. One of my tools that has developed over the years is to reach out to a variety of people so that one person (i.e. spouse, family members) doesn’t get the brunt of my issues. Therapists are great because you pay them to listen. They kind of have to. But therapists aren’t at your beck and call either. As an individual, I have to manage this so as to not end up in a hospital situation which can make everything much, much worse. See to end up in the hospital means you have to relinquish control. You give up things like being able to be at home with loved ones and jobs and all of these sorts of things. What you get in return is supposed to be closer observation and realization by the outside world that your situation is problematic. This might include medication and more intervention. This can be a very scary thing because unless you have a therapist who has been working with a psychiatrist to manage your case, the two may not be on the same page. In today’s fractured medical world, insurance doesn’t like to cover mental illness. They seem to think it is more mental than illness. Things are changing but there is still a huge stigma over this. I’m fortunate as I am generally able to self advocate. Others are not as fortunate. I also have many close to me who are able to protect me to some extent. Others do not. This is one of the many challenges we see in our homeless or displaced communities. We see mental health issues that are not being treated by medical professionals. Additionally when mental health is involved, many start to self- medicate via alcohol or drugs. My drug of choice is chocolate and naps. Chocolate for serotonin, and naps to both re-energize and sometimes to just make time pass more quickly. Generally this results in fat though, not incarceration.
If you feel you too are suffering due to depression, anxiety, mental illness, or substance abuse, know there are amazing resources out there. The people are amazing too. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Share your story with someone you can trust. Believe me that the old adage of sharing one’s burden cuts it in half is very true.
These are crazy times. Know that you are not alone. I’m always here to talk, text or write. You have no idea how hearing another’s story helps me get out of my own issues. I’ve seen it happen with others time and again.