Do you ever think you are losing it? I seem to be feeling that way more often these days. I’ve questioned my faith, God, why I exist, so many things lately. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, and maybe I’m just ridiculously self-absorbed and don’t see it. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve lost my way. I seem to be drifting through life right now. Just trying to do whatever it is I’m supposed to. Check in on my Mom, go to work and do my job, make sure my child is happy, my husband is happy. But right now I just feel lost. I know I have it good too. I’ve seen people around me go through so much more. Losing spouses… A classmate of my daughter just lost his dad recently. It makes no sense to me. His mother has been so brave and strong. I’m in awe and humbled just watching from afar as they walk through this. I mean sure, what else can you do but also, why? Why does this world work the way it does? Why is bad behavior rewarded with all the crap that goes on in politics? Why do kids get guns and take them to school? I’m just, overwhelmed by the insanity of it all.
Then in my own little world my Mom and Aunt are dying but first they have to suffer through the indignities of their bodies shutting down on them. I try to keep it together watching and then end up with so much acid in my stomach it wants to get out and won’t let me eat. I’m afraid to see people for fear that my crazy will slip out and I’ll be seen as mad. And yet I feel in some ways that is the logical thing to be in all of this. A bit mad. I don’t know how to share this with people anymore. I don’t even know how to tell my own family this. I am feeling lost and like my once rose colored glasses have filtered out all the rose and now there is only gray, and darkness. I see glimmers of light, but then something comes in and takes that away. I’m angry that I don’t defend the joy and remove myself from the toxic negativity that is permeating everything.
But then I hear wisdom and hope in a eulogy of all things. Hope. I miss hope. And how can those who have lost so much be able to show me hope? I don’t know. Maybe it is just me. Maybe my mind is a little broken. Or maybe my heart. Either way, I wish I could fix it.
December, 2021
I am so very sorry that you are obviously in great pain and I keep waiting for someone to reply to your latest posting and it never comes. You have no idea how many times I’ve started to write this, both in my head and on my screen. And I find myself ending it with two quick keystrokes: Control-A and Delete. That might happen again this time as well. We’ll have to wait and see.
The more I work on this the more I feel I’m on thin ice. I have no business being here. What do I know about your situation? There are so many others in your life. People you are so much closer to. It has been far too long for me to get involved in this. Yet here I am. Then I remember that you are the one in ultimate control. You can simply invoke your own Control-A Delete. So here goes. For better or worse. I hope this helps.
Let me begin by telling you a story.
Currently, there is a TV commercial running for the new Apple iPhone 13 Pro. The ad is a cutdown from a 3-minutes short film created by the father and son team of Ivan and Jason Reitman. You might remember Ivan. He was the Director of Ghostbusters. The title of this work is Saving Simon and this short is a real piece of cinematic craftsmanship, at least in my opinion it is. Not only is the story beautifully told and well written and acted, but it’s also all shot with the Apple iPhone as the primary camera. That’s not the first time this has been done, but I don’t think it’s ever been done quite so well.
I won’t tell you the plot line of the story. You must go see it for yourself. Just look for it on YouTube by searching for the title. But this much I can tell you. The protagonist in this story is a sweet young girl whose name is Olive. At the climax of the story Olive experiences a traumatic and life changing event. It is the look on Olive’s face that tells the whole story. So many emotions, so much pain, all packed into an all too brief 30 video frames of time. Yet it works incredibly well. We understand and empathize immediately. It is the look on her face that reminds me of you and your pain. And it is how her family comes together to help her ease her pain that makes the story so beautiful.
I hope this short clip means as much to you as it does to me. To me it just seems so ready for these times.
A long time ago there was an old woman who was very wise. When she heard of my predicament, she offered up the sage advice that I should seek some help. Of course, she was right. However, I never did and the problem self-resolved. For that I was very lucky. But perhaps this is the time for me to return her favor.
So that’s what I have to say. I have now rewritten the opening five times. I still don’t think it’s my position to be here, but somebody must. Be well. Be safe. Be strong. Be careful and continue to be so contemplative. We will all survive this. We must. When the love left just a friendship.
Oh well. Here goes. Three, two, one, Control-A, oh crap …