Living in a Movie

Hi all. I haven’t been writing as much. I’ve been busy but not the fun kind of busy. Working at a small liberal arts college these days is a bit depressing. I’m grateful I don’t have to make the decisions but everyone seems to have an opinion of what should be done. I know the leadership is working hard. They have taken pay cuts and are trying to keep cash on hand. It isn’t pretty.

At home, my husband finally let me give him a trim. When I pointed out one part that might need a little extra taken off, he ended up cutting a bit too much off in one spot. Most people wouldn’t notice but he does. Just glad it wasn’t me.

I went by the board and care where my Aunt is to cut her toenails. I went in the back way, masked and gloved. I only saw her and the care giver closed her door. I don’t think she fully realizes the passage of time. She did remember me, so that is a blessing.

I’ve been talking to my Mom who is in a retirement community. They aren’t allowing visitors, but it sounds like they at least can interact with each other from a distance. That makes me feel a bit better that she isn’t totally isolated.

Meanwhile at home we had a friend of my 10 year old, drop off a book with her mom who is a friend of mine. We hung out for an hour out front 10 feet apart. It was so nice to just talk to someone face to face. We so wanted to hug each other but of course didn’t. It is amazing how much I miss people. I wonder how settlers back in the day survived. I can understand how you made acquaintances along the way travelling and how the nearest neighbor was miles away. It kind of feels like that here in suburbia. We are seeing a lot more neighbors outside but it is amazing how many we don’t know.

We haven’t ordered out much. I am constantly wanting to get pizza but no one else does. I think I’m gaining weight in lock down while everyone else in the family is losing. I’m running three days a week. Well run/walking. I realize I weigh 25 pounds more since the last time I ran. I’m also 5 years older. The combination isn’t doing me any favors. My depression is somewhat under control while I continue to crave the carby serotonin goodness of sugar and bread. Sigh…

My daughter tells me how she wishes this was over. I tell her everyone does but I can’t tell her when it will be over. I feel we may have a bit of a respite over the summer, but I suspect we will be doing this again in the fall/winter. I don’t know what will happen with the school I work at. I hope they can stay open. The people and programs are great, but they aren’t Harvard with some amazing endowment. Education is changing a lot right now. I suspect when my daughter goes to college in 7-8 years college is going to look a bit different than it looks now. Just a hunch.

I don’t know when we will travel again. But that is a first world problem. I think of those who are still at the border looking for asylum but because of their skin color are being locked up and at such a greater risk than I am of catching this virus. I pray that this person leading our country is NOT re-elected. I place so much blame at his feet in this. I realize it would have been problematic for any administration, but this one… the ignorance and bravado of turning it’s nose up to science is mind numbing. And if you think it is great, well, thank you but I don’t need to hear it. You will never convince me that man can do anything right and I’ve given up on convincing you otherwise.

It is a sad world right now. I feel I should be writing more and better but I just write and wonder if it makes a difference to anyone. Even to myself. I love it when people respond with their thoughts, so if you feel so compelled (and are not trying to sell me some plugin that will make my site SO MUCH BETTER) please share. I do read the comments and will post them though it usually takes me a day or so to do that.

I personally can’t think much past June right now. I just don’t know what the future holds. I’m truly learning how to live one day at a time. I wonder what I’m learning. What others are learning. I know a pause is probably a good thing, but why? I need to learn something from all this, though what that is I don’t know. I like reading uplifting stories. I love celebrities who spread good stuff. John Krasinski is my new hero with SGN. But the real heros, as I’m sure he would agree, are the doctors, nurses, medical workers who are on the front lines. The scientists looking for the cure and those who are funding that science because that is where money should be going. That and for shelter for the homeless who are even more vulnerable.

But I’ll get off my soapbox. Even I get tired of my own voice and concerns. What makes you happy? I really do love watching movies. I just wish I could pick them a bit more often. I’ll save that for next time. In the meantime, stay safe and well. Wash your hands and wave to your neighbor.

This topic has been in my mind for some time but I haven’t had the will or energy to address it until now. We are 5 weeks (I think) into this shelter in place (SIP) in Northern California. The extended nature of this SIP, is particularly challenging for those who have mental health issues or who haven’t been sure but are finding themselves more on edge in these strange days. I’m somewhat familiar with these feelings since I have had clinical depression for most of my life. I have been on medication for it for 26 years now. It is something I have struggled with, pretty much since adolescence. It is one of those invisible diseases that I usually try to ignore as to its impact on me and my interactions with the world. One thing about a pandemic though, the old rulebook gets thrown out.

I have had one on one therapy over the years. I had started on another round going into this situation slightly before it escalated to a shelter in place. Much of my personal stress was related to dealing with an aging parent and another aging relative who I have some responsibility over. Additionally I have a husband and 10 year old daughter. Lest I forget I also have a full time job. So relatively “normal” but when any part of that equation ratchets up, so does my stress and often my depression and it’s lovely cousin anxiety.

I have tools. But some days one doesn’t want to get out of bed. I do get out of bed by 7:00 AM, but often by mid-afternoon, and sometimes as early as mid-morning, I get stuck. Getting stuck usually results in being overwhelmed. I can’t do simple tasks because my body is in a panic. When in a panic, I usually am HIGHLY irritable. I manage this usually by quiet. But when a stressor of needing to complete something for a project, or deal with a family member or some self-imposed crisis presents itself, I put in a lot of mental energy to complete the project and maintain a socially acceptable way to cope with the stressor at large. Once that is done, I usually am exhausted. This may seem odd to those who do not experience either depression or anxiety, but believe me it is very real. I’m naturally an introvert as well so my way to recharge is to get away from people. Whether in a normal at home environment or work environment, this can be challenging. I usually have to defer these feelings to recharge which usually takes even more energy.

In the current world of shelter in place, I am at home with two of the people I love most in the world. The sad thing is, this doesn’t always make things easier. You would think it would. Believe me I realize how truly lucky I am and don’t want to end up in directing my anxiety that comes out after a particularly large stressor. So you can imagine, being in a pandemic where you are locked in for your safety, could be triggering. Being in a lockdown, albeit to be safe, can at times feel like a punishment even for an introvert like myself. One of my tools that has developed over the years is to reach out to a variety of people so that one person (i.e. spouse, family members) doesn’t get the brunt of my issues. Therapists are great because you pay them to listen. They kind of have to. But therapists aren’t at your beck and call either. As an individual, I have to manage this so as to not end up in a hospital situation which can make everything much, much worse. See to end up in the hospital means you have to relinquish control. You give up things like being able to be at home with loved ones and jobs and all of these sorts of things. What you get in return is supposed to be closer observation and realization by the outside world that your situation is problematic. This might include medication and more intervention. This can be a very scary thing because unless you have a therapist who has been working with a psychiatrist to manage your case, the two may not be on the same page. In today’s fractured medical world, insurance doesn’t like to cover mental illness. They seem to think it is more mental than illness. Things are changing but there is still a huge stigma over this. I’m fortunate as I am generally able to self advocate. Others are not as fortunate. I also have many close to me who are able to protect me to some extent. Others do not. This is one of the many challenges we see in our homeless or displaced communities. We see mental health issues that are not being treated by medical professionals. Additionally when mental health is involved, many start to self- medicate via alcohol or drugs. My drug of choice is chocolate and naps. Chocolate for serotonin, and naps to both re-energize and sometimes to just make time pass more quickly. Generally this results in fat though, not incarceration.

If you feel you too are suffering due to depression, anxiety, mental illness, or substance abuse, know there are amazing resources out there. The people are amazing too. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Share your story with someone you can trust. Believe me that the old adage of sharing one’s burden cuts it in half is very true.

These are crazy times. Know that you are not alone. I’m always here to talk, text or write. You have no idea how hearing another’s story helps me get out of my own issues. I’ve seen it happen with others time and again.

As the days blur together and I lose track of what day of the week it is, there are moments where it feels like we are living in a movie. Communicating via Zoom so we can see those we can’t be near. Having limited contact with most of society except for our immediate family or those we are sheltered with. Designating who is the gatherer of food/supplies. Children learning remotely. Even our jobs. Those of us who can work remotely are able to and some of us with essential jobs can work face to face. But entertainment is changing. Personal service is changing. I realize these should be temporary but it makes me wonder if it could turn out to be further reaching. Even the government, which has been in a dark space in these last few years, seems to be getting darker. And yet I see light in the leadership of many states, where people and health is being looked out for. It seems a bit dystopian, yet not quite. There are those who believe in this government which I find truly despicable. But there are those who are heroes too. The healthcare workers, the cashiers, the truckers, the ones working in some Amazon warehouse supplying our various needs.

Then there is this odd link that my husband and I have had lately. Being more mentally in synch. Especially with our daughter. We feel more protective. We are more aware of the fragility of life especially to those dearest to us. We don’t want to see anyone we know but especially those we love, get affected by this virus. This unseen thing which has swept the entire world so quickly. In the science fiction movies we see of the Earth being invaded, it is some outside being. But this is some microscopic protein. It can be broken down by something as simple as soap and water but it can also change when it comes in contact with human mucus, changing it to become aggressive. If that isn’t science fiction come to life, I don’t know what is.

We have started to see glimmers of hope where I live. A slowing down but not going away. They say this is the flattening of the curve we have been trying to achieve. It will require probably longer isolation, but a greater ability to sustain our society.

There are other signs though of darkness. Those claiming a superiority be it some blind faith or simply entitlement for a way of life that has always been for some. They continue to gather thinking they are impervious to this virus. They always will. There are those who don’t think the rules apply to them. Again, these types will always be there as well. But I continue to be reminded of what I have always been taught. Learn and educate yourself. Listen to all sides, but then choose your path. Choose the path that is good for all not just a select few. The mythology of stories still plays true in this real life adventure. Look for those doing good. Be the good. Be the one who helps. Do not let the evil win. Protect the vulnerable. It is like living in a movie, except this time, it is real and happening to all of us.

I realize that today, Sunday April 5th is not only Palm Sunday, but the last day of week 3 for us. The shut down, shelter in place, quarantine, whatever this all is started on Monday March 16th. Looking back that Friday the 13th must have been a bit more powerful then any of us realized. March 16th was when school went online. It was the one full day I went into work because the next day I was told to stay home. My husband had already gone to working from home full time to accommodate our daughter’s new schedule. I was grateful to join him on the 17th. At the time there were so many unknowns. At the time, my 95 year old mother thought it was an over-reaction and my seventy something mother-in-law was planning her next weekend in Atlantic City. Thankfully they both now understand the gravity of the situation.

We all know how this has grown, but the thing that lingers right now is three weeks in, when will it end? Early on we were anxious to get the kids back to school before the year is out. Now we are hoping they can go back in the Fall. I’ve found that I can only look at today and the coming week for planning. When I look out further I get incredibly anxious. I’m assuming my family will not be going back East this summer. I’m hoping we can go somewhere this summer because when we can all get away from our homes again, we are going to desperately need a change of scenery.

I’m grateful that no one in my family or friend circle seems to have been affected yet. We know of a few distant relations who have and not survived, but far enough removed that we still feel… safe? Not really the right word, but fortunate. Tonight my husband made the most amazing meatballs and gravy (as I have been taught to call pasta sauce by his New York Italian family). We had gluten free brownies which I made with my daughter who has Celiac. They were also delicious. We had teleconference calls with cousins and family, both his and mine today. I felt incredibly grateful for the technology. While the husband was cooking my daughter and I binge watched our respective programs. Kim Possible for her and Hanna for me. While mine was great, I suggest lighter fare during a hopefully once in a lifetime shelter in place. I’ve taken to listening to comedy from Robin Williams when I make dinner. It lightens the mood tremendously, but I wear my airPods to limit the F bombs filtering through the home.

I want to use this time to be so much more productive but today and yesterday it rained. I wanted to be outside for the weekend but instead we were inside. I should look at it as safe and realize we are lucky to have the space we have. I listen to podcasts talking about families my size in New York in 500 square foot apartments. I’m so fortunate to have four times that space with a yard. But when you are locked inside, even a large comfortable home can feel a bit confining.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I’m incredibly grateful that both my husband and I have jobs right now. I’ve had plenty of unemployment in my life but work gives the day some structure. I miss seeing the parents and kids from my daughter’s school. I miss being able to visit my mom and give her a hug. I’m insanely grateful that Starbuck’s still have their drive throughs open. It is the one really normal thing in life right now. I used to go to the grocery to just get away and do a chore, but now that even feels, anxiety producing. No I’m insanely grateful for my family, and food, and connectivity via the internet. I’m grateful for a steady job. I’m grateful for so much. Today is all I have. I’ll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

So I had a comment from a friend I’m not regularly in touch with who I had told I was writing on my blog again. He had read the few recent entries and said it was kind of dark. I didn’t exactly respond to this. I thought of comedians who go out into the world and try to live their lives. They go out to do day to day activities and then wonder when people meet them and wonder why they aren’t constantly cracking jokes. I wasn’t mad, just a bit incredulous. I mean, we are having a pandemic. Hopefully a once in a lifetime occurrence.

So I have still been working and am on a number of newsgroups that had been getting a number of negative posts about how the college was responding to the situation. It was seriously frustrating to read and was dragging down my morale which was already not so great. I ended up posting something. The prayer of Saint Francis. I reminded people that everyone was doing their best even though these actions aren’t always seen. I was fortunate to get a number of positive responses to this including one from one of the major critics of the activities going on. I reminded him that this situation is unprecedented. None of us have had to do this before in this country. A little kindness and perhaps less use of the reply all button was most appreciated. I haven’t heard back and don’t expect to but for now the tirades have lessened. I hope that sticks at least.

I’m honestly having a hard time working. I’m very distracted and don’t have a ton of work as my job is more day to day and forward facing. Much as I can get tired from talking to people all day, two weeks into this shelter in place, I’m ready to start talking again. I’ve tried to stay in touch with close friends and family via text and teleconference calls. My husband and I are still mostly getting along. Our 10 year old still seems amazingly resilient despite being away from her friends. I’ve played with her more than normal, but I don’t mind this. I’m grateful she isn’t a teenager during this. I would think that would be particularly difficult when so much of your world revolves around friends.

I’ve seen small clusters of teens and young adults on occasion. I feel like that old cartoon character in Dennis the Menace. The neighbor who was always mad about something. Or Clint Eastwood in that movie Gran Torino. “Get off my lawn!” I wouldn’t yell at them during normal times (except maybe the neighbor who likes to play basketball at 10 PM outside my bedroom window). But these days, man, just keep your distance. Hell today I was at Safeway, where one of the lone Starbucks are still open. I waited in line for a bit, but it was near the front entrance/exit and I kept trying to move out of the way. I finally left because I figured for once in my life my health isn’t worth a Grande Mocha. I do miss those. But it is probably a good thing that I’m not getting them nearly as often as I usually do.

So here I type, while my kiddo works on a crafts project humming tunes from “The Greatest Showman”. My husband is unloading the dishwasher. And here I type, grateful that for now, we are all safe and healthy. God willing we all stay that way.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

Shelter in place. Coronovirus. Covid-19. These are the new buzzwords of my life. Gone are the 4:30 AM wakeups to work out at 5:00 AM before work. Now I go for a run at 7:00 AM and try to be online by 8:30 AM for work. My 10 year old beats me by being online at 8:00 AM for school. I’m learning to master Zoom and Facetime. I’ve had my kid do Facetime and Zoom with friends to a variety of success. We both like hearing voices other than our own.

I miss my Mom. She is 95 and stuck at her retirement community. She does take a cab once a week to get her hair done at her hair dresser’s home. When she comes back she asks to be dropped off away from the entrance to not get scolded by the facilities’ director. No one else lives with her stylist so I’ve learned to let her one break out go. It isn’t like she is seeing anyone else. She isn’t as connected as I am. My brother has helped the three of us Skype together, but it isn’t the same.

Everyone drives me crazy and I miss everyone all at the same time. My mood swings make PMS look like a walk in the park. Laundry has become a main event in my weekly routine. I look forward to my grocery outings even though everyone keeps their distance from one another and can sometimes get cranky. I just like seeing different faces.

My depression and anxiety have been heightened. My doctor has instructed me to limit my social media time. Of course my husband has encouraged this for eons, but I actually listen to my doctor.

My daughter seems to be dealing with this the best out of all of us. She remains upbeat, which I’m grateful for. I mean it isn’t like we are living in medieval times. Our roads are paved, we have running water and indoor toilets. Things actually seem cleaner than usual because people aren’t out driving all the time.

The first day of all this when I went running I waved at cars that went by or at people eating breakfast as I went by their homes. I haven’t done that recently. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just scared. It is scary after all.

I told my husband last night I thought I had a cold coming on. When I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom he asked me to use ours vs. the one down the hall I usually use so as to not wake him. He had been awake for awhile. My mention of a cold got him worried that I might be infected and he wanted me to distance myself from our daughter. In the morning I was fine but I learned a lesson. Not everyone shares their fear but everyone has it right now. My peri-menopause hot flashes now cause me to take my temperature just to make sure it is a hot flash. They used to not bug me but now they make me nervous.

Everyone is on edge. We worry about our jobs and the small businesses of friends. That doesn’t mean we are ready to stop sheltering. We need the peak to pass first. California where I live is doing okay, but New York where my in-laws are is in much worse shape. I worry that they aren’t following the rules as strictly, but am grateful to live where I do. I continue to shake my head at our Nation’s leaders. The ones who want “the churches to be packed for Easter”. Not that I think they get the whole concept of Easter. You know the resurrection from death vs. the bunny. I love mass, but I’ll stay home this year. Catholicism has gone online. Churches are closed. Even my religion from birth knows when to listen to science if this President doesn’t.

These are strange days indeed. I pray we come out better for it on the other end.

So currently I am working from home along with my husband and my 10 year old daughter who is doing school from home. When this all started with our daughter being home full time I still had to go into work. The college I work for had been deemed “essential”. The office I support handles billing and receivables and all the sorts of activities that still have to go on even when the school has classes remotely. I had been very anxious at work so when my boss said I could work from home I was extremely grateful. With all this fear in the world, the last thing I wanted to be separated from was my family. There are some things that I do need to do in person so I will go into the office once a week for as limited a time as I can. Fortunately my office is set up that I naturally keep a pretty healthy distance from everyone.

The other thing that has changed is that my gym closed. Now if you took a look at me you would not say, “Wow, she works out!”. No sadly I do work out but I also stress eat and as my coaches have told me you can not out exercise a bad diet. Still exercise has been a great mental outlet for me. My gym has moved to offering online classes but I have yet to take full advantage of them. I instead have started the “Couch to 5K” app. I run 3 days a week in building up to a 5K. While I don’t necessarily need to run a 5K, I do need to build up my endurance. Running is something that I have a love/hate relationship with. I currently hate that I have to do it, but love how I feel afterward. Living in my hamster wheel brain is not great either so the running gives me some control over things. It also gets me outside. I like to do my run at 7 AM before lots of people are outside. I figure less people see me and I see less people. I like to exercise before I eat as I find doing it after, does not usually end well. It is great to run around my neighborhood too. Over the weekend lots of people put messages out in chalk. Seeing them while running today really gave me a bit of hope.

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So I haven’t written in awhile. I got a job again in November of 2018 which had me busy. That had been going along nicely for awhile until last week. I had stress for a job like any other place but then the Coronovirus finally hit the US and the SF Bay Area. It went on for about a week until March 19th when we were told to “shelter in place”. I work at a small liberal arts college who had already started going online and this pretty much sealed that deal. I was not a critical worker so I could work from home. This was a relief because my daughter was already out of school doing class online, and my husband was working from home 100% after already working from home 60% of the time prior to this. Like everyone, we have had to adjust, but consider ourselves pretty lucky. We live in a split level. Everyone has their own work space. My daughter is upstairs in the office on the top floor. My husband is set up in the dining room on our main floor and I’m downstairs in our family room.

My husband is used to working from home and has a system down so had the least amount of time to ramp up. My daughter, who is 10, got a Chromebook from her school and in her first week was so on task it was quite remarkable. I on the other hand get easily distracted at home and find my usual spreadsheet type work a bit challenging on a smaller laptop screen. I did okay last week but was probably the least productive of the three of us. I’m hoping that changes a bit in the coming week. I also hope I start writing more if only for my own sanity. We shall see if anyone else finds this journey remotely interesting. Fingers crossed no major issues arise for us though, like any family, I’m sure we will have our challenges.

I am somewhat responsible for two other people in my life. My 95 year old mother who is in remarkably good health for her age, but whose vision has deteriorated significantly in the last three months. I also have a 90 year old Aunt who I check in on and help manage her finances. She has Alzheimer’s and currently lives in a board and care near us. Both of the facilities where my Mom and Aunt live are “locked down” not allowing non-medical visitors. These two will definitely be part of my story in the coming weeks. I pray they stay healthy as I realize they don’t have a ton of time left in this world, but I don’t want them to have to leave it alone.

So I hope you will follow. Feel free to share your story in the comments. I look forward to sharing this journey with others. Stay safe and well all.

I haven’t written much in a while. I’ve had a full-time job since November which is keeping me busy. I’ve decided I want to blog again but about making better food choices. Also trying to expand my 10-year old’s palate. She has Celiac and doesn’t like many types of meat. She likes fish but not always an option. So hopefully this exercise of sharing our food adventures will help me improve my eating habits and help her expand hers. Wish us luck!

3 long months since my last post. Nothing earth shattering to report. Just life. I’ve been working and that seems to be going well. I have a job for where I need to be right now. I spend weekends with my little family. I smell the roses. I am blessed.

The news and state of our nation still disturbs me greatly, but I have had to compartmentalize for my own mental health. I’m still working out four days a week and could be eating better as always. But I’m relatively happy. I wish I were making more of an impact in the world, but am choosing to just focus on my little corner.

I’m fortunate to be surrounded by good people and for this I’m am thankful. I’m praying for friends who are struggling be it mentally or physically. The older I get, the more precious my health is. I just want you to know, I’m still here. Still thinking. Still trying to do a little more.