work – LadyACME

How do you unstick life?

My last post here was back in July before I went on vacation and before school started. I had been struggling with faith which has happened at various times in my life. Then we have the recent scandals, again, about sex abuse in the Catholic church. A news item for some. Business as usual for the truly cynical. Add to this the onslaught of misbehavior both legal and more often illegal in our current administration in our daily, even hourly news cycle. We have had fires, floods, the supposed great jobs reports while I saw the end of my second year of unemployment, and I have been feeling rather… stuck.

When inertia takes over a life you are desperately trying to move forward in a direction that you want to control, things can be challenging. For an introvert like myself, I find it remarkably difficult not only to ask for help but to know how to ask for specific help. For example, I don’t just want “a job”. I could probably go to Starbucks and start fixing coffee for people tomorrow. I want a job where I can use my prior skillset of organizing others, driving projects, keeping costs down and most importantly, doing something where I use my brain to write or create connections between people. How does one put this into an “elevator speech” that I can pitch to the amorphous contacts I’m supposed to find? How do I create the right words in a resume that will get it through a computer program that screens endless resumes and direct it to the right opportunity? How do I stay upbeat?

Well, it is hard. I have some in my life who keep recommending certain directions because it has worked for others they know. I have those who tell me not to give up. I’m sure there are others that wonder why I haven’t gotten a job yet. So I work out six out of seven days a week just to keep the endorphins going. Thankfully I don’t drink, but I do still eat too much on occasion. I figure that is just another chance to work out more.

There are those who support my writing. The encouragement of this is one of the things I do treasure greatly. When someone tells me they get what I wrote or understand, I feel like I’m not alone. Still, I often dream of what do I need to write to trigger someone to say, you know you should contact X or have you thought of sending this to Y. I know I should make my own dream to fill in those Xs and Ys, but when I am trying to just get through the day, that can be challenging again. Enter someone to tell me to not give up hope… What else are they supposed to say?

And there I am. Struggling to figure the next step. A next step. I have to turn off all the negative chatter in the world which my mind oddly gets pulled toward when I’m in this state. I need to find a project that can help and make a difference and maybe even give me a working skill. I send out another resume, to at least maybe get an interview so I can practice my message. I’d really like to get paid for some of this but am reminded I have a loving family, a child I can help daily with homework. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I have a husband who supports me through it all. I’m in a helluva lot better shape than others out there, and for this, I am extremely grateful. Grateful, but still stuck.

Looking to be the change

So I continue my search for making the change I want to see in the world. Right now the one area where I have the most control is myself. I’m exercising, trying to stay up on current events without losing myself to depression, trying to eat healthily. While not always succeeding, at least the Starbucks scrip purchases keep the numbers up for my child’s school, so I suppose that is something.

I’m attempting to meditate more. That has been a bit hit and miss. Translating it into my daily routine has been challenging but I’m getting there. I haven’t written as much this past month, though I seem to have had a lot of interest in my opinion piece on the legalization of Marijuana. Who knew? I’m still learning WordPress, and am my most ardent critic when I find myself needing to learn more.

I have managed to connect more with people. I value hearing the opinions and insights of others. I’m constantly learning how difficult it can be to make real change. We so often get bogged down in the discussion and rumination of problems. The navel-gazing of my parents time has turned into the mobile phone gazing of ours.

It is strange how, now that I’m older, I find my greatest influence is in my family and listening to those around me. The actionable items are so much more challenging in a time of tight budgets and armchair quarterbacks.

I’ve come to admire the entrepreneur who incorporates philanthropy. The non-profit who manages forward in a greed induced world. The ethical business person who does what is right despite “optics” to whatever generation is currently in vogue.

Lately, I have found some of the most effective changemakers, are Moms. Dads too of course, but more often the Moms are the ones who are in charge of ushering kids here and there while keeping households running and finding time to do what empowers them. Dads more often have the full-time job that can financially support the family. This is not exclusively true, but still the greater norm. If one parent is not working or is more in charge of the kid agenda, they by circumstance have to be more flexible. They are the ones who manage to squeeze in chores, meals, ways to stay up on current events, be it jogging or driving with the latest podcast explaining how to build a micro-economy or following trends on Pinterest for the next fundraising activity. These are not the sorts of activities that rise to a resume when a parent wants to return to the work-force. It can be challenging to craft a CV that includes these “softer” skills, which quite frankly aren’t always so soft.

I am constantly amazed by those with more than one child who are able to do all these things, and work, and coordinate the perfect after school activity for entire classes. And God forbid you add single parent into the mix. Those are the true heroes out there.

Still, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. While I may live in awe of the Mom who chauffers 4 kids to 5 events in one day, they may crave to be able to sit back and write and research the latest ways to eliminate chemicals from our food chain. The furloughed teacher who coordinates after-school events for kids whose parents are working is often the resource that working parents are continually grateful for saving them when stuck late for a presentation.

Here is to the unsung heroes out there doing there best to raise the next generation. Be the parent working, with the kid in after-school care, or the Mom or Dad running the monthly scouting meeting. You are the change. Thank you for what you do.

Feeling blocked

I wish I could just blame it on writer’s block. But these days it feels like life block. I want to write things that are uplifting but I’m not quite there. I’m having the challenge of not working for over a year. Yes, it was by choice that I left my last job, but somehow I thought I’d be back to work by now.

I like people but can be a bit reserved getting to know them. I’m an introvert though, those who have known me for any length of time might think otherwise. See once I feel comfortable, I may not shut up. Else, I kinda keep to myself. Groups over maybe eight people, intimidate me. I can do small-talk, but I often need a week to recover afterward.

Then there is the constant barrage of news these days of sexual harassment, particularly in Hollywood. It is so depressing since so many fun things can come out of such a creative place. One of my desires as a kid was to work in Hollywood behind the scenes. I didn’t want to be “famous”, I just wanted to work with creative people. I was fortunate enough to do so in my younger years. I miss that very much. It isn’t as if people can’t be creative in other fields too though. I worked at a National Lab for 12 years as an operational support person. But much of the science was WAAAYYYY over my head. I like stories. I like stories about people and their complexities. Science is great and explains much in this world. But there is more to the world than science too.

I want to see more art and storytelling valued. I love to read but am not the fastest reader in the world. Never have been. I like to know what moves people. I don’t want to just hear about the latest technology. Much of it is interesting, but I am the type of person who generally just wants to know the time, not how the clock is built.

So here I sit, at my keyboard. I have been searching for a job that brings joy to the world. That opens the mind to other ideas. One that looks at how something makes someone feel. One that pays okay wouldn’t hurt either. One that can let me see my husband and daughter in the evening at dinner. I wouldn’t mind traveling occasionally. I’m good at keeping things humming along. But I need a purpose outside of my family. My family is a fantastic purpose, but it would be nice to contribute financially too. I’m trying to make that happen, but the universe doesn’t seem to think it is my time yet. I wish it would give me a hint when that might happen.

Not feeling clever

Some days, heck some weeks, it is harder for me to write. I want to be clever. I want to make people laugh, but I get hung up on the hamster wheel that is my brain.

Then I just stop. I don’t get off I just stop. I don’t know where to go. I need to change the narrative of course, but trying to be clever, or even just honest, can be challenging. I’ll write and delete. I had items around Halloween, parenting, the non-stop candy. But I’m not focused. I’m not completing tasks. This drives me bonkers and drives me to go back to looking for a “normal” job. I love being creative, sharing stories, putting my spin of life out there in an ever more argumentative world. I know it sounds sappy as all get out, but I really do want to add a little joy to the world. It is just sometimes my brain gets in the way. What do you do to break out of this mode? Any constructive advice appreciated.