Category: All posts chronologically

My husband’s birthday is on the Ides of March. I’m always happy that his birthday is a week after mine. I joke that it helps me set figure out what to get him as he sets the scale on my birthday which is exactly a week before.

This year I’m distracted. We have started my Mom on hospice. Her heart issue has started to present some symptoms and I was rather direct with the cardiologist that since we knew what the out come was to be, I wanted to be sure she didn’t hurt. Enter hospice. I’m hoping it will help as an extra set of eyes on my Mom. It is hard to tell from a day to day standpoint, what is going on with her. These days I see her weekly but I feel that isn’t enough. I hate having to hire someone just to have eyes on her, but if we are lucky and find the right person, maybe it will work out. Who knows.

Meanwhile my Aunt with Alzheimer’s continues to linger. Surviving on Ensure and Oreos. She sleeps most of the day and God knows why she is still with us. Her mind is certainly ready, but her body hasn’t given up yet.

On a completely separate note, I ran into someone I went to high school with and with whom I worked at ILM. While I was laid off some 20 years ago she continued with them and is an Executive Producer. She has been very successful and admittedly I’m a bit jealous. I am happy for her. I know she worked very hard to get where she is. She went through a lot and has a lovely family of her own now. We ran into each other visiting our parents at their retirement facility. Had a lovely albeit brief chat. Of course it got me thinking for my 45 minute ride home. I feel there is so much more for me to accomplish in this life, but don’t know how best to go about executing that.

Getting older I now look back and do on occasion wonder what if… Usually it would require me to have worked a lot harder and now, in many ways, I’m not sure how to go back and learn something to make me more successful or useful or just more interesting? I dunno. I’m grateful for the many friends I have who are truly supportive, but feel I need to do something else. I suspect I need to do some work around that.

Perspective is definitely something I lose when stressed. It is how I understand those with depression can become suicidal. I’ve felt that way and I always just try to go to sleep. Regular sleep mind you, not the big sleep, just to start a new day. That helps with just wanting to end it all. Depression can make things seem very black and white. When it gets particularly bad, suicide can seem like a positive option. But when you can have just a little perspective and think of those closest to you and how devastating it would be to them, then it is easier to stop. But when you are in a deep depression, that can be very challenging.

The past couple of weeks have been very stressful at work. My boss is under a lot of pressure. She generally does her job very well, but sometimes, she does forget that those working for her also are under a great deal of pressure. Maybe ours isn’t at work, but we all have our challenges these days. Mine are caring for elders, as well as a middle-schooler. Trying to stay connected to my family, husband, and friends. Some days it feels like I’m pulled in too many directions. Of course this is often an inside job. But when people know about it, sometimes they think they can tell you things that you haven’t thought about. Why don’t you get a new job? Why don’t you get more exercise? Why don’t you do this or that? All meant well but I am generally an intelligent person and usually have thought all these things through. Nothing that more time or money couldn’t fix.

Anyway, I digress. Today is Sunday and I actually had two very good solid nights of sleep where I woke up not feeling totally exhausted. Yesterday I went for a 5 mile walk/hike, half of which was on a local park trail and away from people. Saturday I got our first box from a meal planning company that I had ordered so I wouldn’t have to figure out what the hell to cook during the week. So as you can see, I’m taking steps. I’m trying to care for myself. I’m hoping when back in the office tomorrow, which right now I am dreading a bit, this perspective will carry over. Because honestly Friday I just wanted to quit. But I’ve done that once in my career and swore to my husband I wouldn’t do it again. I’m not quite there yet either, though honestly my annual review is due soon so I may be back there in the not too distant future.

Do I catastrophize a bit? Probably but honestly, when you are working at a job that is truly a job, I don’t love it I don’t hate it, it gets old. I would truly love to work somewhere with a boss who can give positive and negative feedback. I feel my current boss is pretty good at communicating negative feedback but rarely gives any positive. Not great for the morale. I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk to her about this and honestly my performance review may be the place. We shall see. None of this though is particularly easy for me as I often put family and work before me. These days it is hard to take a mental health day without having the world think you have Covid. It is easy enough to come back but explaining that your work environment is not helping ones mental health? Well, that can be challenging. I hate dwelling on all this too, but sometimes I just have to write it all down to move through it. Hopefully others understand this feeling. I would love to hear if you yourself have had similar experiences. Now that I have my new wiz-bang spam detector, hopefully I’ll see some “comments” from those who relate.

On a completely separate note I’m turning 55 in a bit over a month. I’m wondering if that is too early to be thinking about retirement? Honestly, I could retire soon and I’d be happy, but considering my Mom is 97, I just need to be sure I have the finances in place when that time comes. Not sure if that will be the case, but I guess we shall see.

On a positive note, we are getting passports renewed. We are hoping that Covid will be less of an issue this summer and would really like to go abroad. I know I’m not alone on that hope. Are you planning a trip? Where to? Would love to hear.

Hope life is being kind to you. Would love to share stories. Feel free to comment and we can chat further!

See what happens when I neglect this site? I have over 2000 pieces of spam in a week. I just delet

ed everything and am going to have my dear webmaster set up something to hopefully assist in limiting the spam. I’m a bit rusty on my web support so he is helping out. Thank goodness.

Nothing particularly new. Masking, working, trying to stay healthy. Eating up a storm in my typical stress way. The holidays triggered that and now post New Years I haven’t quite stopped yet. Hoping to get back to my cleaner eating soon. Have started making coffee at home so that is good, but I’ve been sad. Just the last two year, my Mom not great, my Aunt winding down. Work is okay. I should be looking for a new job but I kind of just want things with my Mom and Aunt to wrap up first. I have the time that I can take for FMLA which starting new somewhere else I wouldn’t have.

Work is hard because there is so much concern around money. I really dislike all the talk of money but it is very necessary for businesses, including schools, to keep going forward. I do understand that, but it does get tiresome. I would much prefer creating, but I don’t think this is the medium for me. I think part of me feels too old and a bit discouraged. I need to find something that gives me joy again. An activity that I can nurture.

Not the most interesting post, but here it is. Maybe the post should be spam. Garbage in garbage out, or so I’ve been told.

2022. I’ve been doing this little blog since 2017. I think I have one follower who is in anyway regular, besides the hundreds of Russian, Israeli and Chinese bots that seem to clog up my meager comments section. Ah well.

I know this whole site needs a major re-do, but I just haven’t been motivated to do so. I’m more interested in just logging my thoughts, in not particular order. Today I’m looking at how much I didn’t seem to accomplish in my week and a half off. I did have a lovely Christmas and peaceful New Years with friends and family. We have thankfully avoided Covid so far. It helps to be vaxxed and boosted.

I was going to write and apply to some jobs and really didn’t do much of either, though there is still time left into today.

There is a meme out there about the conviviality of the season and how between Christmas and New Years, you just eat cheese. I’m definitely feeling that way. I need to go on a dairy and cheese diet for the next month. It is remarkable how I’ve cut back on bread but during the holidays the dairy, chocolate and cheese consumption went up greatly.

Life continues forward. I’m feeling a bit directionless though I have a dear friend who more often then not texts me daily with 5 gratitudes. I have found this remarkably helpful for my mental state of mind and suggest everyone try it. It does help to have someone to share it with.

Everyday you write down 3-5 things you are grateful for. The more specific the better. It is fine for starting off with food, shelter, clothing, family, friends. You will find though the exercise improves when you get more specific. For example: I’m grateful for the Moonstruck hot chocolate my husband gave me for Christmas. I’m grateful the new coat I received that has been particularly useful in the last two days as temperatures dipped into the 20s.

Tomorrow I go back to work. It will be interesting with the recent spike in Covid cases. I suspect at some point I’ll catch this damn thing, but am hoping if/when I do it will be mild. My concern as always is giving it to someone who is immunologically compromised, or elderly. I don’t want anyone I love to die from this. I continue to occasionally call out the selfish dipshit at the grocery store who doesn’t understand why we wear masks. I’ve tried to avoid this at work as there is only one who is all up in arms about wearing a mask and they are retiring soon. A nice person otherwise but just doesn’t get the whole idea of preventing spread. Yes I know you don’t have it… yet. Sigh. I’m hoping with a few new people in our area the work situation will improve, but time will tell. No one is bad, in fact everyone is quite capable, it is just people get tired at a job and need a change. Myself included. Of course applying would probably help that situation. Happy New Year!

Do you ever think you are losing it? I seem to be feeling that way more often these days. I’ve questioned my faith, God, why I exist, so many things lately. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, and maybe I’m just ridiculously self-absorbed and don’t see it. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve lost my way. I seem to be drifting through life right now. Just trying to do whatever it is I’m supposed to. Check in on my Mom, go to work and do my job, make sure my child is happy, my husband is happy. But right now I just feel lost. I know I have it good too. I’ve seen people around me go through so much more. Losing spouses… A classmate of my daughter just lost his dad recently. It makes no sense to me. His mother has been so brave and strong. I’m in awe and humbled just watching from afar as they walk through this. I mean sure, what else can you do but also, why? Why does this world work the way it does? Why is bad behavior rewarded with all the crap that goes on in politics? Why do kids get guns and take them to school? I’m just, overwhelmed by the insanity of it all.

Then in my own little world my Mom and Aunt are dying but first they have to suffer through the indignities of their bodies shutting down on them. I try to keep it together watching and then end up with so much acid in my stomach it wants to get out and won’t let me eat. I’m afraid to see people for fear that my crazy will slip out and I’ll be seen as mad. And yet I feel in some ways that is the logical thing to be in all of this. A bit mad. I don’t know how to share this with people anymore. I don’t even know how to tell my own family this. I am feeling lost and like my once rose colored glasses have filtered out all the rose and now there is only gray, and darkness. I see glimmers of light, but then something comes in and takes that away. I’m angry that I don’t defend the joy and remove myself from the toxic negativity that is permeating everything.

But then I hear wisdom and hope in a eulogy of all things. Hope. I miss hope. And how can those who have lost so much be able to show me hope? I don’t know. Maybe it is just me. Maybe my mind is a little broken. Or maybe my heart. Either way, I wish I could fix it.

It is cool out. Dark. 53 degrees. I’ve been eating too much lately. Ever since Mom went into the hospital in September, I’ve been off my game. She is still around by the way. The heart thing is in check for now.

Tonight though, my daughter is prepping to go on a “retreat” of sorts with her 7th grade class. My husband is going as a chaperone for the boys. I’m going to be alone for four nights, though I’ll probably be helping out Mom one of those. Part of me is looking forward to it but another part is feeling a bit sad. I feel like a lot of change is going on this year. The quiet type. My Mom winding down. My daughter growing up. We went and visited the high school she will probably attend in two years today. It was exciting, for me. I think it was a bit overwhelming for her. The school is much smaller than the high school I went to. But for her I think this is a good thing. I hope, if she chooses to go there, it is a good fit.

Meanwhile, I keep thinking I want to change jobs, but with my Mom still… here… I’m using my time at the college to use FMLA. Something that would be much more difficult in a new job. My Aunt is still in hospice, though she seems to still be going strong. She still just drinks Ensure and eats cookies. She is very confused. My Mom too has gotten confused, though with her it seems to be more related to UTIs. I find the confusion in my elderly family members much more challenging than any life threatening disease. Probably because it changes their personalities. The disease might ultimately kill them, but it doesn’t change who they are. The confusion, takes away the assuredness that I have always seen in my elders. Especially the women.

I’ve been lucky to have so many strong women in my life. They may not have risen to prominence by societal standards, but they have shown me what grace and wisdom looks like. They have shown forbearance in the toll that is the whimsy of societal thought. They have been a constant in an ever changing world. To know that will be going away from my life is sad and a bit scary. There is so much change in life and to lose the anchors of those who have come before to age reminds me of the fleeting thing that is life.

I’ve seen more harsh versions of it in those who are my age who have been ill or who have died before their time. Or rather maybe society’s time for them. Because they were younger. But ultimately we don’t always decide the time or place when the door to the next chapter begins. I have been fortunate to be able to avoid this even in the past almost two years of the pandemic. I’ve been able to be with my family and stay in touch with my closest friends. The world has changed so much and yet my foundation has stayed the same. In some cases even become clearer.

Tonight though, and tomorrow, I’m reminded of what life is like without those I live with around me all the time. That safety blanket will be gone for a time. I suppose it is a good time to remind me of the many people, places and things I am grateful for. After all November is the month of gratitude and Thanksgiving.

Well it didn’t happen. The procedure for my Mom, didn’t happen. Turns out the doctors didn’t want to go through with it. I can’t blame them once the details were explained; at least what we know. Still it means our time left is possibly a bit more limited than originally estimated. Don’t get me wrong. Mom has had a great run. Overall not a lot of major health issues. But seems at 97, things have caught up and it will be pretty remarkable if she makes 98. That is old. Still, when it is your Mom, it doesn’t really make it any easier.

My Dad passed when I was 22. I was in my senior year of college. He was ill for a brief period of time but when you live through it, it can seem like an age. We had round the clock care. I was living at home. That hole you feel when you get information about someone who has always been a part of your life and isn’t going to be with you again? That is what I felt today finding out the cards Mom was dealt. My brother was there. I wasn’t because of the pandemic, only one visitor per patient per day. Today I had to work. But when my brother called me around 2:45, everything kind of stopped. I stepped outside because I couldn’t think at my desk. I had to be away.

Now I just want to spend time with her. Tomorrow we both will go over to see what Mom wants to do. She is home already. She was discharged after the news. She wants to get her hair done of course. Saturday, my brother will drive back to LA. It has been wonderful having him here through this, but we need to move to the next part. I want to leave work and help my Mom, but that isn’t realistic, and probably not what she would want, though I will ask.

Right now though, I can’t sleep. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m numb. Most of all though I just can’t sleep.

“And the seasons, they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We’re captive on the carousel of time

We can’t return, we can only look

Behind, from where we came

And go round and round and round, in the circle game”

-Joni Mitchell

To be honest I never listened to Joni Mitchell much. Sure I heard “Big Yellow Taxi” on the radio over the years in it’s various versions, but only recently did I get a “Greatest Hits” album. I pick up these when I want a sampling of an artist’s work rather than diving into a specific album. I had watched Coda on Apple TV which was a great film based on a French film. It is the story of a girl who grows up hearing in a family where the parents and her brother are deaf. She sings to herself while helping them with the family fishing business. In the story she ends up taking choir at school and is mentored by a teacher to sing. In it she sings a Joni Mitchell song but not the excerpt above.

I have been so sporadic on this site lately it is really quite sad. I just haven’t taken the time to write as I have in the past. I’ve been caught up in life and all its joys and challenges. The latest being my dear Mom in the hospital. We are still going through it at the moment, but I am now cautiously optimistic she will come through it. It has just cast this light over everything for me and how so much of what I do in life is really not that interesting. The people and things I love most have nothing to do with my day to day and that strikes me as such a waste. I’ve been able to spend time with my Mom and my brother over the last week. Often times just sitting in the same room saying nothing. Just being there for each other. That oddly seems so much more valuable than the things I do on a daily basis for “work”. I clearly am not currently following my passion. I don’t think my “passion” though is easily categorized, nor can it be easily monetized. So I steal my moments to write and listen and learn in my daily interactions.

When someone you love is ill and in a hospital, it is exhausting. You aren’t really doing much except gathering data, being there for them and waiting. There is a lot of waiting in hospitals. During this time of Covid, the hospital my Mom is at only allows one visitor per patient, per day. My brother an I have been taking turns. He isn’t working though so he has been able to visit more than I, but then he comes home to my family instead of his own. This is his own challenge right now. Today he has flown back to Los Angeles to trade out some clothing and then turn around and drive back. It makes me quite grateful that we all live relatively close to each other.

Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow my Mom has a procedure to change out a heart valve. 10 years ago this procedure wasn’t available for her in the sense that the way they did it and we would probably be looking at the next two months as the time she has left in this world. But she has lived a good life and is relatively healthy for 97 and it seems she has a good shot at least improving these later years should this all work out. I’m grateful for that but the testing process to make sure she is a candidate has sure been challenging emotionally. Hell, hospitals are challenging emotionally as it is.

Hopefully the next time I type here will be to tell you how well she is doing. Ultimately I don’t know though. I just am living in today. I can only look back on what we have lived through. Life is so precious. It is amazing how often we take the simplest things for granted.

Hi all. I enjoyed summer in June and July but August has become crazy busy with work and school starting back in person. Grateful to be vaccinated but not going to say life is easier. My Aunt is in hospice, we just celebrated my Mom’s 97th birthday and my father-in-law has had some major health setbacks. Meanwhile, I’m still at my small liberal arts college, but with the pandemic and many changing rules, life continues to be chaotic. Work has been consuming me a bit which lead to a dream the other night that really summed up how I’ve been feeling.

I dreamt I was in a place that was very busy with some new technology.  It felt like an airport almost.  People would go to a kiosk to get a piece of clothing made.  But there are no directions though everyone else seems somehow to know what to do.  So you have a number of connecting rooms like a locker room that leads to another locker room but there is this machinery.  You are supposed to go to a kiosk and pick what type of piece of clothing you want.  So I’m in this area that has coats.  Not that I know how I picked it or what I picked but it appears people are having coats made.  Some have a beautiful fabric but most are relatively neutral.  And I’m fed through this machine that wraps me in fabric and cuts the fabric around me.  Then I’m supposed to go to another chute where there is thread which seems to sew the fabric.  I keep going through various chutes and yet I don’t know when I’m done.  I look down and the “coat” doesn’t seem quite right.  It has become quilted almost.  I’m in another chute and the women in front of me seem to have the same outer color as mine but with different cuts.  Maybe I’m doing this right I think.  But my coat is getting thicker. Someone pulls me out of the chute I’m headed to and puts me in another and yet another layer of fabric is put on me.  More thread.  And it is getting bulky and I wonder when I’ll be done.  I see my brother and he has a beautiful coat which isn’t as thick but the fabric is lovely and he has just taken it off and put it to the side, but I’m still wrapped in mine.  I come to a place where everyone is taking off their coats and I take mine off and the fabric of my clothing has somehow gotten caught up and sewn into the thick coat.  It has so many layers and is just a mess.  It has ruined the clothes I was wearing underneath and pulled everything apart.  How is it that everyone has come out of this with a beautiful coat and mine is just so many layers of fabric with no cohesion or beauty.  It has actually ruined the clothes I’m wearing.  And this is how I feel.  I have a job, which I do, but it isn’t working.  It is ugly and tearing me apart underneath.  I don’t know how to switch to something better.  I just want to be out of the machine.  I want to do something else but how do I do that?

It has been a bit since I wrote here. Late March was my last post. Since then the pandemic, at least in the US, seems to be winding down. Not without challenges, but still for myself and my family things on that front are better. My 12-year old is half-way vaccinated and I am incredibly grateful for this.

At the same time, life does go forward. My Aunt, who I have helped care for but lives in a board and care, is on hospice. The pandemic has taken it’s toll on my soon to be 97 year old mother. Cognitively she declined quite a bit in the past year. Her vision has gotten significantly worse with both macular degeneration and glaucoma progressing. She loves to read too so this has been particularly challenging for her. Finally my father-in-law has had a number of physical challenges as well that have led him to be in a rehabilitation facility to regain lost strength. We think it is related to some neurological issues but with a few side tracks, have taken longer to find the true culprit. Hopefully this will at least find a better direction in the coming months.

Personally I’ve continued working from home and am hoping to proceed with some technical writing soon. The college I work for has continued to struggle a bit and there are some things that hopefully will turn that around, but the pandemic has taught me a few things about my work world as well. I actually like to write though circumstances of the last couple of months have kept me from that to some extent. I hope to start moving toward some technical writing in my future. I do need to ramp up my skill set in certain areas, but I’ve decided I’ve not used my abilities as much as I would like to and need to start leveraging those into an actual job. The opportunities of the changing work world with the pandemic, have shown that more things can be done remotely. People and companies can be more flexible about where and how we all work. The position I currently have is not built for that though and I need to find one where I can be more of a individual contributor with a bit more flexibility of my day to day work environment. I realize this won’t happen overnight. I hope those of you who might occasionally read my blog, will reach out and send positive thoughts and maybe a connection or two my way that might help me in my endeavor. I need to get up to date on the current protocols and languages around technical writing (e.g. XML, JSON, DITA, and other acronyms). Mostly though I need to find the right fit. An organization that appreciates clarity from a Communications major that is not by trade a computer scientist, technician or geek but seems to hang out with a lot of them. One who is able to translate their day to day language to something the rest of us understand. Hopefully with a little training and luck, that opportunity will present itself.

In the meantime, the summer is before us. In person and online camps are the focus this year. Hopefully a 97th birthday gathering with my brother’s family and mom. We even have a brief trip to Yosemite planned this summer. Hopefully the third time is the charm for me as my prior two trips ended with a car crash and mono. But my jinx with Yosemite is for another column.

I hope all are well and up to some fun this summer as well. What are you looking forward to? Please share in the comments.