acme – Page 8 – LadyACME

What is old?

I recently went to my Aunt’s 90th birthday party. She is 3.5 years younger than my Mom. Out of her three sisters, my aunt has the most ailments, but the best attitude. My Aunt doesn’t drive anymore as she is legally blind and deaf in one ear. My mother is about to give up driving since her vision is finally failing. She has trouble reading too, but reminds me that it is perfectly legal to drive as long as you can see out of one eye. I haven’t exactly checked that on Snopes.com yet.

I’m on Quora and a question came up recently that asked is 40 old? Being 50, I found this rather amusing. Sure 40 is old, if you are 7. When you are 50 and you hear people gnashing their teeth about turning 40, you giggle a little. See while many were off having kids in there 20s and 30s, I didn’t have mine until I was 42. Not terribly unusual in 2009, but in 1967 when my Mom had me at 42, it was a bit more unusual. Especially for your first child.

My husband’s parents had him in their early 20s, so he has a much different view on parenting. He worries about being too old. I don’t. When I was younger, I worried about being too young to parent. The irony that I ended up having a child at the same age as my mother had me is not lost. I may have married earlier than her, but for various reasons, did not have a child until I was older.

Age is a funny thing. Society used to look at older being wiser. The working world seems to avoid embracing older workers. Perhaps because technology is changing so rapidly and it can be a challenge to keep up. But what I think gets lost in an age of technology is perspective. Various people have various perspectives on age. The young may want things to be fresh and new. The older may want things to be more reliable and intuitive. Both have their place. One does not need to supersede the other.

The funny thing about age is when you are younger, time seems to be eternal. But as we age it starts to fly. Our children grow up so quickly. We don’t feel older and yet those around us who used to be older are suddenly looking much younger. Doctors especially! Applying to a tech startup when you are over 40 often feels daunting especially if you are trying to keep up with technology.

The one comforting thought though, is that we all age with each passing minute. Some may have better genes than others that make it look a bit more graceful. I find that when I eat well and exercise, much as I wish I didn’t have to, I do feel and look better.

Yesterday, while watching the Oscars I saw many different aged celebrities. I was truly happy to see Frances McDormand won the Oscar. Here is an actor who has embraced who she is and not try to look 20 years younger all the time. She speaks her mind and is true to herself and her family. THAT is how I want to age. Not wrapped up in Botox or plastic surgery. I want an actor, male or female who can show emotion on their face. I want beauty to include wisdom and maybe a line or two. I look to my Mom and Aunts as inspiration as to aging gracefully and staying who they are each and every step of the way. Now how can I start a hashtag and a movement for this?

Adulting

When I was a kid we had no internet. People talk about playing with friends and riding bikes. I walked home from Kindergarten as a child. I don’t think my school was much farther away from where my daughter’s school is to our home today. The roads were much less traveled too. But she is older than Kindergarten and I wouldn’t let her walk home today.

When I walked home I would walk with two other boys. I remember getting yelled at for picking poppies for my Mom by a lady in the neighborhood. Today I would get yelled at for allowing my child to walk home.

My Mom didn’t work outside the home when I was a kid. My grandmother lived with us too. I haven’t been working for awhile now but I still can’t imagine letting my daughter walk home. I don’t think I could have her do it now with friends even. Maybe a few… But no other parent would allow it I suspect. Even if someone lived close enough.

When I was in junior high I remember riding 5 or so miles on my bike to school with some other girls. We didn’t have helmets. A lot of the way was a bike path so traffic wise it was relatively safe. I didn’t do it very often as I preferred riding alone. I won’t even ride my own bike on the roads anymore. There is too much traffic. Even wearing helmets it feels more… dangerous.

When I was a child we prayed for the U.S. Hostages in Iran. They were held captive for over 450 days as I recall. I remember tying yellow ribbons around trees. Today we pray for kids who are killed in schools. We talk about pulling ours out of school to protest but then worry that we are maybe pushing our agenda on our kids and decide not to. If they were in high school it would be different.

Today I didn’t work out because I was volunteering at my child’s school. Today I got coffee by myself afterward. I sat out on the bench in front and felt the cold air that is February in California. I know there are those in this country who can’t do that because it snowed last night. Not here. But I also know there are those who slept on the street last night. It may not snow but it does get into the 20s.

I go home to my empty house. I’ll look for a job again today. I’ll apply to a few and maybe continue to hear nothing but crickets. I’m doing my best. I want to be more of the sort who makes a change in the world. Who is part of the good. Sometimes I don’t know if I am. I continue to try and raise a child who is kind and loving. I try to support my husband when he comes home frustrated. I keep putting one foot in front of the other even though I feel like I’m not going anywhere. I try to be positive, to see the good and share my truth. I don’t even know if it helps anyone. Maybe it just helps me to share in the hope that someone reads this and is experiencing the same and knows they aren’t alone.

I remember being a child and wanting to grow up. Now I’m there and I wish I could still see what I thought was so great about it.

40 days and nights?

So I find Lent (the period preceding Easter that in the Christian Church is devoted to fasting, abstinence, and penitence in commemoration of Christ’s fasting in the wilderness. In the Western Church, it runs from Ash Wednesday to Holy Saturday and so includes forty weekdays) a good time to reflect. I also find it a good time to curb some of my worse habits. This year, I’ve decided to give up Starbucks and Facebook. I did the Facebook portion last year. It actually was very helpful for my overall piece of mind. Not sure if it will help my “writing” career here much, but since no one has paid me yet, I’m not going to stress too much about that.

Starbucks is more to break what has become a bad habit. I don’t need to pay for coffee every morning. Especially since I’m not working right now. I much rather put those funds toward getting healthy. While Starbucks is convenient, it is definitely something I should learn to live without, so away that goes.

I’m curious too if this will get me back on track writing a bit more. I do plan to continue posting here, though I won’t have the reminders posted on Facebook. I may change my mind on that because I follow the old “you can take Sunday’s off during Lent”. I’m not quite sure where growing up I learned about the waiver of having to observe your Lenten “penance” on Sundays. I suspect it is either related to my father being raised by Jesuits whereby he learned a lot about our faith including the loopholes; or if it was my Irish background. I know for example you got a pass on Saint Patrick’s Day too. Of course, my Italian-American husband had never heard of this, but then he isn’t as strict and probably wasn’t looking for loopholes as a kid. Whatever the case, I’m sure when I get to missing Facebook you may find me lurking on Twitter @acme707.

Maybe I’ll even have a paying job by the end of Lent. Wouldn’t that be nice? If you do want to reach me though you can always email me (eww email?) at acme707@pacbell.net. I still have yet to set up my email for this “blog”, but maybe I’ll get to that during my 40-day exercise.

You can always post comments here as well. I will happily share them. I only moderate to weed out the spam-bots I seem to get quite regularly. It will be interesting to see if my readership lags or if really it just bots out there.

Anyway, for those who enjoy Mardi Gras, eat up. I’ve consumed my chocolate today which will hopefully last me for awhile. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday when I get to observe the lightweight Catholic fast. Two small meals and one big one. I may have to devote a posting just to that. We shall see.

Don’t be a stranger while I’m away from Facebook. I will try to update weekly and always appreciate the feedback.

Looking to be the change

So I continue my search for making the change I want to see in the world. Right now the one area where I have the most control is myself. I’m exercising, trying to stay up on current events without losing myself to depression, trying to eat healthily. While not always succeeding, at least the Starbucks scrip purchases keep the numbers up for my child’s school, so I suppose that is something.

I’m attempting to meditate more. That has been a bit hit and miss. Translating it into my daily routine has been challenging but I’m getting there. I haven’t written as much this past month, though I seem to have had a lot of interest in my opinion piece on the legalization of Marijuana. Who knew? I’m still learning WordPress, and am my most ardent critic when I find myself needing to learn more.

I have managed to connect more with people. I value hearing the opinions and insights of others. I’m constantly learning how difficult it can be to make real change. We so often get bogged down in the discussion and rumination of problems. The navel-gazing of my parents time has turned into the mobile phone gazing of ours.

It is strange how, now that I’m older, I find my greatest influence is in my family and listening to those around me. The actionable items are so much more challenging in a time of tight budgets and armchair quarterbacks.

I’ve come to admire the entrepreneur who incorporates philanthropy. The non-profit who manages forward in a greed induced world. The ethical business person who does what is right despite “optics” to whatever generation is currently in vogue.

Lately, I have found some of the most effective changemakers, are Moms. Dads too of course, but more often the Moms are the ones who are in charge of ushering kids here and there while keeping households running and finding time to do what empowers them. Dads more often have the full-time job that can financially support the family. This is not exclusively true, but still the greater norm. If one parent is not working or is more in charge of the kid agenda, they by circumstance have to be more flexible. They are the ones who manage to squeeze in chores, meals, ways to stay up on current events, be it jogging or driving with the latest podcast explaining how to build a micro-economy or following trends on Pinterest for the next fundraising activity. These are not the sorts of activities that rise to a resume when a parent wants to return to the work-force. It can be challenging to craft a CV that includes these “softer” skills, which quite frankly aren’t always so soft.

I am constantly amazed by those with more than one child who are able to do all these things, and work, and coordinate the perfect after school activity for entire classes. And God forbid you add single parent into the mix. Those are the true heroes out there.

Still, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. While I may live in awe of the Mom who chauffers 4 kids to 5 events in one day, they may crave to be able to sit back and write and research the latest ways to eliminate chemicals from our food chain. The furloughed teacher who coordinates after-school events for kids whose parents are working is often the resource that working parents are continually grateful for saving them when stuck late for a presentation.

Here is to the unsung heroes out there doing there best to raise the next generation. Be the parent working, with the kid in after-school care, or the Mom or Dad running the monthly scouting meeting. You are the change. Thank you for what you do.

Legalized Pot as a parent

Today I was coming out of Starbuck’s with my decaf Americano and go to get in my car. In the car parked next to me, are a girl and boy. I don’t think they are 21 but I pause getting in because I see the girl putting “away” a bong. I look at them with a kind of “now I’m a Mom” look of “what the hell are you doing”? Then I realize, wait marijuana is now legal in this state. I think about this for a minute as I get into my car and remember, it is but you have to be 21. I’m thinking these kids aren’t 21, but maybe I’m wrong. I don’t judge younger ages as well as I used to. Still, they shouldn’t be doing that then driving. That I know is illegal. But what do I do? Nothing. I called the police once after e-cigarettes were a thing to tell the dispatcher that I saw someone driving and smoking what appeared to be an illicit substance but of course was questioned if it wasn’t just an e-cigarette. At the time I said something like, “I think I know the difference. I went to college after all.” Looking back on that now, I feel pretty dumb. Maybe it was an e-cigarette, though I really don’t think it was. Now with marijuana legal, I’ll have to step back on my civic duty I suppose.

Look I get people taking it for medicinal reasons or even at home for fun. I just don’t really want kids driving around with water pipes smoking outside of Starbuck’s. I know there is a 20 foot limit, but what about next to my car when my eight-year-old is with me? I’m already trying to figure out how to address drugs and alcohol as a parenting topic. Not to put the fear of God in her, but hopefully, avoid opiates? How does one parent through this stuff? How do you tell a kid now that marijuana is legal but not something you should do at least until you are older?

My parents didn’t really talk to me about this sort of thing. Alcohol, drugs, sex, dating were all topics I had to learn on my own. The only guidance was “no sex until marriage”. I know how well that went, so I’d really like to be able to have an open conversation with my child. I also don’t want to scare the bejezus out of her. Right now she is naive, and I’d like to hold onto that as long as possible. I don’t want her to be ignorant though, and I don’t want her to just learn from her friends. Not that her friends aren’t nice people, I’d just like a sliver of input if at all possible.

Now I’m off to Google it, though strictly relying upon the internet for this topic seems not terribly unlike smoking pot in front of a Starbuck’s. Not the best idea.

Resolutions and or goals for 2018 and beyond

So many this time of year make New Year resolutions, often starting with losing weight. While that would probably be a good idea for me, I find resolutions, not something that actually motivates me to move forward. I tend to bail on them around January 5th. Still, I find it good to have a few goals to always be striving for. This year I’m going to work on just being a bit more understanding. Sometimes the best way to do this is to keep my mouth shut. Not always one of my stronger attributes I might add but I found it very helpful during the holiday season whilst visiting family back East. I didn’t talk politics and tried to ignore the occasional comment about it as I knew where the conversation would head. I wanted a friendly family Christmas this year, and talking politics I knew for me, would not be friendly. So I kept my mouth shut. I will admit to one cry for help from a group of like-minded women online when a cousin was given a certain bobblehead of the current president whilst wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat that had a lovely camouflage background. But the individual ended up putting the items away after a short while noting it hadn’t caused me to raise a ruckus.

So resolutions and or goals for 2018. Well, I want to not aid and abet in the polarization of my country. I want to be part of a solution and not a problem. I want to find a job that I enjoy and motivates me to improve myself and others. I’d like to eat more healthily and if that leads me to lose weight, awesome. I don’t want to obsess about it though. Obsession is never a good thing. I want to learn new things. I’m always most happy when I’m learning and putting what I learn into action. I’d like to improve my writing and get more feedback about it, preferably positive, but I’ll take constructive criticism at least. I’d like to meditate and pray more. I want to continue to find time for quiet contemplation. My mind gets CrAzY when I’m around too much noise. I would really like to find a mentor who understands how to teach and impart wisdom. I want to find a better softer way supporting my husband and daughter to be the best they can be especially since they give that back to me on a daily basis by just agreeing to continue living with me. I want to grow kindness and patience. I know a lot of this requires listening and not talking. I hope I will be successful. If not, I hope I at least continue to try, even after January 5th.

Visiting extroverts as an introvert

In most families, there is some sort of arrangement as to who and where you visit at what time of the year. When I got married, my husband and I agreed to alternate Christmas between my family and his. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area and he grew up in Yonkers, New York. Both of us have siblings. His live close to his parents and mine are in Southern California, so all in all, we are pretty lucky when it comes to logistics. The other “deal” we made was that as long as my mother was alive, we would definitely stay in California. My Mom, after all, is 20 years older than my in-laws, so statistically, it made sense that she would pass on before they did.

We have been married for 15 plus years now. This year it is New York’s turn. I do enjoy New York at the holidays. My issue is I get super anxious when I go to large events with 20+ people. This happens almost every Christmas Eve. One of my Mother-In-Law’s cousins has this huge gathering of truly amazing food. The people are super sweet, but I get so overwhelmed. I know everyone thinks I’m being silly, but it really does make me super uncomfortable. I rarely remember everyone’s name, and I’m the crazy liberal from California. It isn’t just extended family though. I usually get pretty uncomfortable at gatherings over 10. I don’t like it when I can’t talk meaningfully to everyone. That and I honestly don’t want to start an argument, which often comes when talking meaningfully. See naturally, I’m one of those introverts. I can be social, but it wears me out. I usually need a good 24 hours of quiet with a good book or movie to recover. I can even talk to a large crowd and feel great since afterward, I don’t have hundreds of people coming at me. In fact, I usually retreat somewhere where I just have to talk to about 5 or 6 people and am totally fine. People who don’t experience this, don’t really understand it. I suspect some think I’m being rude, though I’m really just trying not to have a panic attack.

I was talking to my brother on the phone, who of course has known me all my life, and was telling him how I had gone to the doctor to have some medicine adjusted for my depression and anxiety. He, of course, knew I was going back East for the holidays and rightly asked, “So you are going to visit your in-laws on new medication? Is that wise.” I laughed because he had a valid point. But I was in a situation where the timing wasn’t ideal, but a change needed to be made.

So this season, when you are visiting with relatives, remember that the holidays aren’t always easy for everyone. We respond to stimuli and gatherings differently. People don’t always know how to do that in such a way to keep everyone in their comfort zone, because, often, they are dealing with their own comfort zone.

A friend once told me, “What others think of you is none of your business.” I’m going to try to remember this during the holidays and hope that others might remember the same. After all, isn’t this supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”? I’ll let you know.

Holiday Parenting

So last week, I posted about my dislike of the “Elf on the Shelf”. I don’t begrudge others enjoyment of this activity but chose not to do so in our house. Which of course led to this:

Yup. The kid sent word to Santa that she wanted an elf. Mailed it from our mailbox (thankfully on a Saturday night).

The next morning after having headed out the evening before, my husband was to give my daughter and me, our annual ornaments. This is something that he has done with me, and once Grace was born, her as well since we have been married. Since the ornaments in our house are an early gift from Santa himself, he wanted to know if I wanted to use the opportunity to respond to the note. It was 6:00 AM and I knew I had maybe an hour to figure this out. So I wrote the following. I printed it out in green ink on the printer and signed it from “S.C.”

Dear Grace,

Thank you for your note. Please understand that I have many helpers at Christmastime. Sometimes I even ask parents for help. Some parents needed extra help with their kids because they aren’t always as good as you are. When grown-ups become parents they are given some special magic to help with Christmas. Every parent gets different magic so it doesn’t always look the same to every child.

For some very special children, they get special magic that is different from all others. I can’t tell you what that magic is yet, but as you get older, you will learn it.

Don’t think that you aren’t special just because you don’t have an elf that was bought in a store. Your magic is there. Sometimes it is just a little harder to see.

S.C.

Grace didn’t say much after she read it. She did roll it up and tied it with a gold ribbon that had been on my ornament. She smiled after reading it.

My Mom was visiting and asked Grace what it said. Grace was reluctant to share but after a moment, let me read it aloud to my Mom. My Mom nodded wisely.

It seems we are good at least for this year, for now.

Keeping up Elf Appearances

I don’t generally consider myself vain. I’m a certain number of pounds overweight. Always have been. I work out regularly yet like food. I color my hair because society doesn’t like gray hairs, especially when you are looking for work. My child goes to a small private K-8 school because it is Catholic and that is what I am. I didn’t want to have to figure out the logistics of getting her to a weekly catechism class but preferred the idea of it being built in. Also, I was trying to avoid that horrid transition to middle school down the line. Lots of reasons that just worked for our family.

But as time goes by I find myself concerned about appearances in the oddest ways. It is the holidays and we celebrate Christmas. There is this doll that is called Elf on the Shelf that some families put out this time of year. For most, it started when they had little kids. An elf to keep an eye out for Santa to see if kids were good or not. We can all use some help this time of year in motivating positive kid behavior. Some parents would move it. Some kids even got little treats. Personally, I knew my aging brain would not be able to keep up and I didn’t have an end plan so just told my kid she was so good Santa didn’t send an elf to keep an eye on her.

But kids get older, as do parents. We all change. I so want to hold onto some of the magic of Christmas. My child hasn’t quite figured out the deal with Santa yet. I suspect though she is somewhat like me in this area. She doesn’t want to knock a good thing so won’t fess up to it if she has doubts. I was that kid. I milked it for a while. So why not ask about an elf? Hey her friends have it. She wants to feel special because she thinks having that elf is special. And what parent doesn’t want to make their kid feel special? Sure I do. But why?

The holidays, at least Christmas, in theory, is supposed to be about the birth of Christ. Over the years we have added Santa Claus from St. Nicholas. The history of how we moved from St. Nicholas to the current Santa Claus is very interesting and can be found here. The whole Elf on the Shelf is just another marketing tool for someone, certainly not parents, to make money. (Heck Elf on the Shelf got so popular they now have Mensch on a Bench for those who are Jewish. Talk about managing your market.)

I realize this sounds rather cynical, and I don’t deny that the idea of a toy watching kids when they are little isn’t fun (or creepy, but mainly fun). But as things happen these days we seem to go for the gadget to get to the lesson. I think Santa has held on for so long because who doesn’t want a little magic in their life? Also, kids could wait a month. Now though we have instant gratification. 30+ days of Christmas. The elf goes along with that. At least it gets it down to 24-hour behavior.

Our society is more secular now though, for better or worse. Our customs are adjusting to that. Some choose to believe that Christmas is remembering the birth of Christ and some choose to look at it as a holiday to share gifts and decorate trees. Whatever the motivation it should be a good thing that we are being kind to one another.

But many get sad or depressed during the holidays. It has become such a competition on many levels. I have to remind myself constantly why I celebrate. I fear this is what gets lost. The story of Jesus still has resonance today. A small family who maybe didn’t plan ahead for a trip get caught in a city with all the housing sold out. Not even an AirBNB option. Still an innkeeper seeing that the woman is heavily pregnant at least can provide a warm and dry place. No fancy accommodations here. But since “religion” often uses stories to push an agenda, faith doesn’t. I think this is what we forget. Christmas is about faith. Faith and hope. Hope for things to get better. People to be kinder. To learn. To change. Not always for the better and often with many missteps. Some people are better at change than others. Some use their money, power, influence to help but many don’t. This is what has happened even to Christmas.

So if you wonder why I don’t have an elf, it isn’t because I think I’m too good for it. Really I’m just lazy. And honestly, I’m kinda wanting to get back to that story about a baby in a manger, though I could also do with some new slippers.

Sometimes it feels hard to be Thankful.

Thanksgiving is actually one of my favorite holidays. Mostly because I get to hang out with family, eat, and not have to worry about gifts. Halloween is a bit overstimulating for me and Christmas, well, it has become so commercial. It is hard to get on board with not giving gifts at all. Especially when you have kids. Thanksgiving though is eating and talking, and enjoying each other’s company.

Now I won’t lie. Last year was a bit rough. It was right after the election. We had gone back East to visit family and let’s just say, we weren’t on the same page. Fortunately, we got the big argument out of the way via Skype before Thanksgiving. We also had snow which for this native Californian and my daughter, was pretty cool. This year we are staying put and the family we are hanging with are more like-minded politically. Still, it feels a bit harder this year to be Thankful.

We have seen hurricanes, earthquakes, fires and multiple mass shootings. It seems sexual harassment has finally made the front page in Hollywood. The rich are getting richer and the poor seem to be getting poorer thanks to some of the rich. Those of us in the middle are just trying to hang on. I’m still not working though I’d like to. Unemployment is low, but that doesn’t mean people aren’t still struggling to make ends meet.

I’ve had friends who have lost people close to them because of illness, addiction, or suicide. People are struggling and we don’t have leaders who help build us up and together but rather name call and tear us apart. I’m not saying the past has been perfect, but between Mother Nature, technology, and the current political climate, it feels like life is just a bit meaner. A bit harder.

But I’m not one who likes to dwell on the negative even when it feels like it is swirling around me. I try very hard to look for the good. After all, I’m raising a child in this world today and it is important to me that she sees the good and the hope. I seem to find this mostly close to home in my family and neighborhood. The guy at the grocery store who goes to grab something at the same time as me but then gives it to me. The person who greets my Aunt with Alzheimer’s when we are at church, even though I’m in a rush to get her back home. The kid who comes over for a playdate with my daughter and lets her go first on what to play at. The friend who thinks of me when a possible job opportunity arises. Heck, even the woman at the stop sign who waves me to turn first even though she got there first. When I look at these, I remember that we are all trying to do our best with what we have.

The holidays can get crazy. It often feels like we are being pulled in too many directions. I find it really important though to slow down and be grateful for the ordinary, the day to day. The husband who actually cleans the shower for me among many other things that I don’t always say thank you for.

Life is what we make it. Maybe from the little things, we can grow to be grateful and teach those around us how to be grateful too. Maybe that will cascade to the rest of the world. Maybe. But we won’t know unless we try.