Author: acme

Aging has it’s privileges, unless you are female it seems. Then you just become invisible. I don’t mind being invisible so much, but I would like to have a job. Another day without work and a pass from another prospect. That and the coming change in leadership in this country makes me feel quite invisible. I don’t mind except I’m feeling quite useless at the moment. That is frustrating; not having direction. Health setbacks haven’t helped. The elbow injury and surgery last year and the broken hand this year. Life it proving fragile. My ego can only take so much.

Now I can’t sleep and really need something fun. I have a lot of work in front of me. The question though for me is work for what? I think the recent election may be where I find my motivation. We shall see.

When someone is unkind to me, I often just shrug and think, or perhaps hope, they are just having a bad day. But when someone is unkind to my child, it is often a much different reaction. I get angry, but keep it to myself, as often it is another girl. You see my child is just a teen. A kind, quiet teen. She is a great student, loves to read and draw, and run. She has found running to be a great way to manage stress too. When one is a 14 year old girl, there is a lot of stress too. A lot around being who you are as well as who others expect you to be. You know your job is to be a good student and you are. Beyond that though you are still learning.

This past fall, my daughter started high school. She has made a number of new friends, but still tries to hold onto some old ones. Unfortunately her friends are growing up too. Sometimes in this process they are growing away from one another. My child is very loyal though so when this happens and she is overlooked, it can hurt. It would for many adults. But this is how life is. You know this as an adult. Sometimes we grow apart from those we have known for a long time. But as a child growing into adulthood, this is not so clear. Finding out you are not included hurts. Having parents have you work on a grade that dropped, is frustrating. You know this. You know you have to work on it, why do you have to be reminded? And that friend, why didn’t she think you could be there with the others? You know many of them and get along. But this is not what happens.

You as a parent have to suggest but not do. You have to watch and have them learn that they need to take the steps for change. This is a path they need to take. They need to learn what they like and don’t like. What they can do and what makes them smile. But oh, the learning is so hard to watch. Because with learning comes failure. Failure at some things is how we learn. How we all learn. This is when you hope those new friends will reach out and be kind. Be kind when the old ones have turned away. Letting your child know you will always be there, but that you can’t make the friends, they have to do that. You can give them hugs and reassure that the old friends may be there in the future if needed, or not. Only time can tell and only you can choose who you want there in your life. But sweet girl it is all before you and it is your choice. Choose those who are kind. Those who support you when you are sad. Those who don’t look at your moment of sadness as an opportunity to show off themselves, but support you. Some of it is just being young and not knowing any better. But some of it is forgetting to be kind. Sweet girl, look to the ones who are kind, always. Those are your people.

On March 8th I celebrated another lap around the sun. It was a good birthday but I’ll admit I’m feeling older. Ever since I left my last job I’ve been wanting to reinvent myself but have been having trouble actually doing so. My search for a new job was delayed after I fell and messed up my arm. Then I recovered from that and went on a family vacation and had RSV for a few weeks. Follow that with gum surgery, I thought I was done. But nature has been throwing the book at me and my latest is having my face turn red. Getting a dermatologist through Kaiser seems to be more difficult than brain surgery so, while I’m not quite as red, I’m now pink and peeling. Maybe the universe is telling me it isn’t the best time to be interviewing anyway. Sigh. Whatever the case, it is feeling frustrating because I really am in need of something new.

My health situation has delayed my exercise regime which of course has also delayed the weight loss I need to do. I finally got so frustrated I got my hair cut shorter because at least I could control that and, hair can always grow. I’ve also decided to grow out my natural color. Turns out I’m not nearly as gray as I thought I’d be. I also like not having to color my hair every eight weeks so I guess that is good. Still, I need a project. Preferably a creative one.

I got some paper and black ink pens as well as pencils for my birthday to try and start drawing again. I figured if I wasn’t writing as much maybe I could start drawing. I’ve done a little, and am definitely rusty. I haven’t drawn regularly for 20 years and it shows. Hopefully I’ll practice a bit more and it will come back. I also need to keep writing. I still dream of writing a book, but if I don’t sit down every day, that won’t happen. So I’m working on that too, though I’m not willing to show that yet. I need to be able to carry a story over multiple days and expand it. I know I want to do something with an older female protagonist. I just watched the latest Oscars and saw a lot of gray hair, which was great, but I realized how few stories there are for women over 35 in Hollywood. I would love to create a story for that age group that shows how complicated and competent women are, but it won’t invent itself.

In more mundane news, I got locked out of my master password list. I’ve been going through all my online sites updating passwords. I started with anything financial and have expanded from there. I think I’ve gotten the bulk of critical items but I often run across something that I’ve forgotten about. I feel like there are tools out there that I could use, but after losing that master or misremembering, I need to go back to old school and just write the damn things down somewhere.

I do so miss being around creative people. I want to have that sort of community and need to see where I can build that. Maybe a class? I dunno. I’m a member of my local YMCA these days. When there during the day I’m on the younger side since so many retirees go during the day. Sometimes there are a smattering of college or high school age students, and a few in my range. Probably more than I realize, but I miss being around a more age diverse group. I also miss having a dog, but that will have to wait until Grace is off at college. Covid taught us that Grace is not a dog person. Something I still don’t quite understand, but so goes life.

In the meantime I have refresh my web design skills. I have some pictures I would like to share and a friend has started a Substack/blog that if you enjoy how I write, I think you would enjoy hers as well.

Meanwhile, Spring is fast approaching. Hopefully the next time I write I’ll have managed to find a dermatologist for my redness or it will have resolved. Even better, maybe I’ll have a new job! A girl can always dream.

A quick note to my fine followers. I have finally completed PT for my elbow injury from June. Hooray! My arm is 95% straight but I’ll take it. While I now can predict weather with the aches my arm presents, I don’t seem to have any other issues. I’m told the full healing should be noticeable a year post surgery. So, I’ll let you know in June of 2024. Meanwhile the family and I are off to Kauai to spend our first Christmas in paradise. While my dear husband and daughter question if it will feel Christmassy enough without snow, I am most willing to take my chances. Following 10 days in paradise, I will return home to project number one in January. A new employer. I am most hopeful for a new adventure be it project management, writing, executive support or some other combination. We shall see what the future holds.

Wishing you and yours a most joyful holiday season!

Well it has been quite the few months. I chose to leave Saint Mary’s at the end of May. The family went on a trip back east where I fell and needed surgery on my elbow. That thankfully had been healing well when my Aunt passed on my husband’s and my anniversary on August 4. The funeral was in late August along with my daughter starting high school so things had been rather chaotic. We finally thought life was slowing down a bit when I had a dear friend and two cousins join us on Labor day only to find out shortly afterward that we had all been hit by Covid. First time for my cousin, friend and daughter, second time for my husband and self. Thankfully it is a mild case but nonetheless annoying. This has felt like the year of setbacks, and yet perhaps it is a much needed pause. I needed time to take a break from work and the health challenges seem to just be reinforcing that and perhaps the universe’s way of telling me to not rush into anything new.

Before being hit with Covid I was able to get back to the gym after many years. Of course that is temporarily on hold until I test negative, but while on hold I have been cleared to resume weight work with my right arm. That will be a good thing. Still the set-backs are a bit trying. I should be writing more than I am. I’ve been wanting to get back to more writing, though not necessarily in this format. I desperately need to brush off my web skills and clean up this site a bit. It really needs a facelift.

In other personal news, I’ve decided to start letting my hair go back to it’s natural color. That is going to take a bit though as there is more gray present than in the past. Still I feel pretty good about it. I only hope ageism doesn’t rear it’s ugly head on my job hunt because of it.

I am truly blessed to have a roof over my head and food on my table. I hope only that my stint at not working doesn’t last too long. Of course actually applying to jobs will help. I’ve applied to a few but now that I’m can actually use my arm again, I should definitely apply to more.

I’d love to do some writing for work. We shall see if I can find a way to do that beyond taking minutes for board meetings. I also hit 18 years sobriety this month a milestone I am proud of. The older I get the wiser I realize this decision to stop drinking all those years ago was. Now to get a negative Covid test back and return to my exercise and health routine.

Lastly, I hope to overcome some of the inertia that all of these setbacks seem to have wrought. I do not like being inert and the exercise and healthful eating certainly were helping in that area. More importantly though is to overcome the inertia of my mind and move myself forward to more creative things and expand my learning to further both my mind and employment opportunities. I still have at least another good 10 years in me.

My last entry here was early April. So April and May were mostly about work, though I did give notice at my place of work at the end of April. May 31 was my last day. The CFO was retiring and I decided it was a good opportunity for me to move on as well. The institution I worked for was having serious issues financially and I didn’t want to hang around and watch it dissolve any further. I also was experiencing high blood pressure which I hadn’t had in the past. Rather than go on medication, I thought rest would help. It has and I’m happy to say my BP is much better these days.

On June 1st, my daughter graduated 8th grade. The plan was to go on a vacation with my family and come back and work on my weight and BP. We got to Ithaca for my husband’s 35 year college reunion, and then headed to Boston. I had never been and wanted to see it. The plan was to spend a few days in Boston and then visit friends in Providence, RI, finally heading back to my in-laws in New York.

After a couple of days in Boston we got tickets to go to a Red Sox game at Fenway. My husband is a long time Yankees fan and it crushed him that his daughter (who was indoctrinated to also be a Yankees fan) was going to see her first baseball game on the East Coast at Fenway. But we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to go to a game at the fabled ballpark. Alas we never made it inside. While looking for the gate to enter, I ended up catching my foot on an uneven sidewalk. I went down hard. I didn’t hit my head but something was very wrong with my right arm. I was in a bit of shock, and a lot of pain. People tried to get me on a chair but I couldn’t. An ambulance ended up being called and I was taken to the hospital. Lucky for me, it is one of the teaching hospitals for Harvard. That made me feel a bit better.

Being a major trauma center, the hospital was quite busy. I was conscious though, and not bleeding so I wasn’t at the top of the list to be seen. Thankfully though I was and had xrays taken. Long story short, I had dislocated my right elbow, fractured my ulna, “smooshed” my radius and also had a fractured ankle. I got pain meds after about 2 hours. Then they had to relocate my elbow. That required propofal which I only knew as the drug that killed Michael Jackson. As they were about to give it to me a small crowd appeared in front of my little draped off section in the ER. This was a teaching hospital. Next thing I knew my arm was being splinted. I’m told it took three tries to relocate my elbow, and I yelled a bit, but thankfully, I remember none of it. I ended up staying in the ER overnight. The initial plan was to admit me for surgery. Thankfully our friends drove up to get our daughter and she got an extra night in Providence with her bestie. Steve though had to pack all of our things and check out of our AirBNB. He got a hotel room nearer the hospital.

When I finally met with the surgeon, we agreed it would be better to have me head back to California and deal with it at home. Our insurance isn’t in Massachusetts was one of the main reasons, but I also didn’t want to get stuck in the hospital for longer than necessary. We moved up our flight and shifted it from Newark, to Logan in Boston. We got back late on a Thursday. The next day we went to our local ER and started the process to get my arm fixed. The following Monday I had surgery, and I am now 3 weeks post surgery.

My range of motion is terrible and I’m in this armature which mostly is to make sure I don’t do anything stupid. The full recovery takes 12 weeks so I’m 3 weeks in at this point. Of course getting my full range of motion back will probably take months, but believe me, I’m in a lot better shape now than I was just a few weeks ago. I’m off pain killers, though I still keep up a pretty regular use of Tylenol and Ibuprofen. I can’t lift anything with my right arm heavier than an iPhone. Of course I’m right handed so I’m doing my best to become ambidextrous.

I’m incredibly bored, as I can’t drive. I’ve only recently started walking as I had a boot on my right foot up until a week ago. Unfortunately it has also been in the 90s here lately and I’m not one to get up early these days to walk. I only recently started showering, as I had a splint on before which I couldn’t remove. This had me taking baths with some help from my dear husband who has taken on a LOT since all this started. I don’t know how to ever repay him. Just grateful wedding vows include sickness with health!

There are other details which I could share, but this is the most typing I’ve done since June 12th! Hopefully I’ll have an update in the next few weeks.

Dear Reader, apologies if you thought I had fallen off the planet. It is understandable with my lack of writing since the beginning of the year. I have not passed on though. Rather work has been a bit chaotic. My boss is leaving at the end of May and I considering following her. I need a change of job and if not a change of work, then a little time off to get myself in better shape. I have clearly put the Freshman 15 to shame with the Pandemic poundage a bit greater than that. :=/ That probably has to do with my attending many board meetings and the “decision by the president to leave the college”. It would really be great to find another worthy cause that is not just education and I am hoping that a possible opportunity does manifest. We of course, shall see. Meanwhile, a new crown (my first), my daughter’s new braces, the impending 8th grade graduation and moving up to high school has us all very busy. A Spring break in Las Vegas including a visit to the Grand Canyon, and a trip east for my significant other’s college reunion, are all in our future.

I apologize for leaving this so brief, but dinner awaits.

I’m hoping this year is a fresh start. My 2022 ended finding out I’m going to need a crown due to a cracked tooth. I also had my blood pressure going up, though on the heels of 2 funerals last year and my eating as medication, I was not terribly surprised. I’ve decided 2023 will need to be my year of health. My daughter is going to be graduating 8th grade in June and starting high school in August. I need to find a new job as well. Mostly though, I need to deal with my health. I’m fortunate as nothing major has gone wrong, yet. I’ve gained a ridiculous amount of weight since having Grace many years ago now. Time to get that under control. My husband is looking to plan our spring break right now, but I’m all about eating healthy and exercising again after not doing so regularly for almost 3 years. When the pandemic hit, I was getting burned out on my gym and it was the perfect opportunity to just stop. Now though, the subcutaneous fat has come home to roost. This year is all about getting healthy and hopefully losing my belly and extra chin. I’m working on moving away from coffee and on to tea. I’ve hit all the scrip milestones for fundraising for my daughter’s school this year, so I can stop spending money on Starbucks. But I’m not just picking one thing. I’m looking at improving my health. Physically and mentally. Work will be an interesting part of this. With my boss retiring in May or June, it is clearly time to move on. I had a lead at the end of 2022 that went on hold. We will see if that re-emerges or if something else presents itself. My goal though is joy, balance, and better health. Like the crazy rain that is hopefully helping the ridiculously ongoing drought we have had, I’m hoping it will wash away the old and bring in the new. Fingers crossed, this year is without too much drama and brings healthy change for us all. Happy New Year!

I had been planning to update the blog here over a month ago with the story of how we almost missed our plane from Heathrow to SFO, and perhaps I will at some point, but for now I’m moving forward. While our trip was definitely the highlight of the year, there has been a bit more death than I care to experience in one year, even if it has been for those who have lead long lives.

My aunt, who is actually my Dad’s first cousin, passed on the 7th of November. She had been the last relative living on my Dad’s side of the family. My “aunt” was a twin. She and her sister had lived together their entire life and never married. Her sister had passed in 2022 and her older sister, who did marry but never had children, passed in 1999. I had moved her from her condo in Tiburon in 2014 as she had started to forget things and gotten lost a couple of times driving. We had set up her finances so I could oversee everything and in turn would inherit anything left over when she passed. In the last few years she had lived in a board and care and I tried to visit at least monthly. She had Alzheimer’s though so our conversations tended to be a bit repetitive. She actually lived for the last two years on cookies and Ensure. She had kept to her bed these last few months and in the first week of November stopped eating and drinking. She was done. She had mentally been ready for some time, but it took awhile for her body to catch up.

My brother came up for the funeral for which I was grateful. It was literally just myself, my husband and daughter and my brother who attended. An unrelated cousin showed up unexpectedly at the last minute and there was a care giver there as well. It was very small.

I now have an aunt, my mother’s younger sister, who has been diagnosed with the same heart issue my Mom had. I suspect she won’t be around much longer though we celebrated her 96th birthday recently. I’m grateful at least when her time comes I don’t have to plan it. That will be up to my cousins. I’d prefer not to have to plan any more funerals for quite some time.

It has just put me in a bit of a funk. The passage of time and all. I realize it is probably better than the option, but after the years of covid and now the passing of family, the last few years have been a bit much. I’m an introvert and do enjoy my time alone. I’m not one for big gatherings but all of this illness and change for the last few years has been hard. I’m grateful my aunt is back with her sisters. Her life these many past years has been lonely and that was heartbreaking to be an observer of though, I did my best to add a little light. I just really want to spend time now with those closest to me.

This week we are off to Santa Monica to spend time with my brother and his family for Thanksgiving. For many years now we have hosted and everyone would come to our house. But now with Mom gone, we can visit elsewhere, which is a nice change.

There are other things that percolate in the background that may come forward in the coming months. We shall see. Meanwhile Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Wednesday August 3rd we were off to Glasgow. The ride was much shorter than from London to Edinburg. An hour max. When we arrived it was significantly cooler and raining. We were able to leave our 3 bags at the train station while we met up with our friend’s daughter who is a grad student at the University of Glasgow.

Our first stop was a gluten free Indian restaurant. This made me very happy as I didn’t have an Indian food whilst in London which I have done in the past, and here was a restaurant where my daughter who has Celiac could try Indian food an not get sick! The other thing that I was looking forward to in Glasgow, was it was a bit less touristy and I had asked Steve, after talking to Grace, that if we could slow our sight seeing pace just a bit, and do more relaxing, that would be lovely. We had been averaging 6 miles of walking a day up to this point and admittedly that didn’t change much during our stay, but at least we weren’t getting up at 7 AM everyday either.

After lunch we went off to find our Airbnb. This turned out to be the most luxurious of our trip. Two bedrooms with two baths, totally remodeled. A new kitchen and living area. I told the owner I would happily live there if given the chance. They also had king size beds!! Being older this was a glorious and joyful surprise. The only issue we had with the location was getting the heat working properly.

Glasgow historically has been the blue collar town to Edinburgh’s highland reputation. We found it much more livable though as we didn’t run into crowds as much. One of the highlights while in Glasgow was a drive to Conic Hill and a hike of said hill. This was near Loch Lomond. We got in a great deal of the scenery of this little corner of Scotland. We had a lovely lunch in a nearby village at a place called “The Kitchen Window”. Our guide even ran into some friends from University. He took us to see Doune castle which was a request of ours as it was used as background in both Monty Python’s “Holy Grail” and Outlander. We did a drive by of Stirling Castle which would have been great if we had more time.

As is often the case when I go on a big trip like this, I look forward to getting back home toward the end. I think this time it was a bit different. I was truly enjoying the cooler weather in the UK. Having grown up in the Bay Area, in Marin County specifically, I was very used to cooler weather. But the last 20 or so years have been spent in the warmer East Bay and this summer has been particularly hot. (Hello 112 degrees?!? Hell on Earth.) I suppose I should have written more and sooner about Glasgow, but we really did enjoy it. It was just so much more normal. We checked out some of the buildings of the university and the Gothic arches were very Harry Potter. All the building we saw on this trip were so much more interesting because they are so much older!!! You sometimes forget what a young country the US is until you go overseas.

We did have an interesting struggle on the flight home, but I’ll leave that for another post.

Hope all are well! More later.