Perspective is definitely something I lose when stressed. It is how I understand those with depression can become suicidal. I’ve felt that way and I always just try to go to sleep. Regular sleep mind you, not the big sleep, just to start a new day. That helps with just wanting to end it all. Depression can make things seem very black and white. When it gets particularly bad, suicide can seem like a positive option. But when you can have just a little perspective and think of those closest to you and how devastating it would be to them, then it is easier to stop. But when you are in a deep depression, that can be very challenging.
The past couple of weeks have been very stressful at work. My boss is under a lot of pressure. She generally does her job very well, but sometimes, she does forget that those working for her also are under a great deal of pressure. Maybe ours isn’t at work, but we all have our challenges these days. Mine are caring for elders, as well as a middle-schooler. Trying to stay connected to my family, husband, and friends. Some days it feels like I’m pulled in too many directions. Of course this is often an inside job. But when people know about it, sometimes they think they can tell you things that you haven’t thought about. Why don’t you get a new job? Why don’t you get more exercise? Why don’t you do this or that? All meant well but I am generally an intelligent person and usually have thought all these things through. Nothing that more time or money couldn’t fix.
Anyway, I digress. Today is Sunday and I actually had two very good solid nights of sleep where I woke up not feeling totally exhausted. Yesterday I went for a 5 mile walk/hike, half of which was on a local park trail and away from people. Saturday I got our first box from a meal planning company that I had ordered so I wouldn’t have to figure out what the hell to cook during the week. So as you can see, I’m taking steps. I’m trying to care for myself. I’m hoping when back in the office tomorrow, which right now I am dreading a bit, this perspective will carry over. Because honestly Friday I just wanted to quit. But I’ve done that once in my career and swore to my husband I wouldn’t do it again. I’m not quite there yet either, though honestly my annual review is due soon so I may be back there in the not too distant future.
Do I catastrophize a bit? Probably but honestly, when you are working at a job that is truly a job, I don’t love it I don’t hate it, it gets old. I would truly love to work somewhere with a boss who can give positive and negative feedback. I feel my current boss is pretty good at communicating negative feedback but rarely gives any positive. Not great for the morale. I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk to her about this and honestly my performance review may be the place. We shall see. None of this though is particularly easy for me as I often put family and work before me. These days it is hard to take a mental health day without having the world think you have Covid. It is easy enough to come back but explaining that your work environment is not helping ones mental health? Well, that can be challenging. I hate dwelling on all this too, but sometimes I just have to write it all down to move through it. Hopefully others understand this feeling. I would love to hear if you yourself have had similar experiences. Now that I have my new wiz-bang spam detector, hopefully I’ll see some “comments” from those who relate.
On a completely separate note I’m turning 55 in a bit over a month. I’m wondering if that is too early to be thinking about retirement? Honestly, I could retire soon and I’d be happy, but considering my Mom is 97, I just need to be sure I have the finances in place when that time comes. Not sure if that will be the case, but I guess we shall see.
On a positive note, we are getting passports renewed. We are hoping that Covid will be less of an issue this summer and would really like to go abroad. I know I’m not alone on that hope. Are you planning a trip? Where to? Would love to hear.
Hope life is being kind to you. Would love to share stories. Feel free to comment and we can chat further!