In most families, there is some sort of arrangement as to who and where you visit at what time of the year. When I got married, my husband and I agreed to alternate Christmas between my family and his. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area and he grew up in Yonkers, New York. Both of us have siblings. His live close to his parents and mine are in Southern California, so all in all, we are pretty lucky when it comes to logistics. The other “deal” we made was that as long as my mother was alive, we would definitely stay in California. My Mom, after all, is 20 years older than my in-laws, so statistically, it made sense that she would pass on before they did.
We have been married for 15 plus years now. This year it is New York’s turn. I do enjoy New York at the holidays. My issue is I get super anxious when I go to large events with 20+ people. This happens almost every Christmas Eve. One of my Mother-In-Law’s cousins has this huge gathering of truly amazing food. The people are super sweet, but I get so overwhelmed. I know everyone thinks I’m being silly, but it really does make me super uncomfortable. I rarely remember everyone’s name, and I’m the crazy liberal from California. It isn’t just extended family though. I usually get pretty uncomfortable at gatherings over 10. I don’t like it when I can’t talk meaningfully to everyone. That and I honestly don’t want to start an argument, which often comes when talking meaningfully. See naturally, I’m one of those introverts. I can be social, but it wears me out. I usually need a good 24 hours of quiet with a good book or movie to recover. I can even talk to a large crowd and feel great since afterward, I don’t have hundreds of people coming at me. In fact, I usually retreat somewhere where I just have to talk to about 5 or 6 people and am totally fine. People who don’t experience this, don’t really understand it. I suspect some think I’m being rude, though I’m really just trying not to have a panic attack.
I was talking to my brother on the phone, who of course has known me all my life, and was telling him how I had gone to the doctor to have some medicine adjusted for my depression and anxiety. He, of course, knew I was going back East for the holidays and rightly asked, “So you are going to visit your in-laws on new medication? Is that wise.” I laughed because he had a valid point. But I was in a situation where the timing wasn’t ideal, but a change needed to be made.
So this season, when you are visiting with relatives, remember that the holidays aren’t always easy for everyone. We respond to stimuli and gatherings differently. People don’t always know how to do that in such a way to keep everyone in their comfort zone, because, often, they are dealing with their own comfort zone.
A friend once told me, “What others think of you is none of your business.” I’m going to try to remember this during the holidays and hope that others might remember the same. After all, isn’t this supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”? I’ll let you know.