My dad passed when I was in my senior year of college. He had been ill briefly but had not led the healthiest life. My mom had told me one night when I was about to leave on a date, that she thought Dad was going to die and felt I should know. I was annoyed because, that was a big piece of news and honestly did she have to tell me when I was going out? I was 22 at the time. I was having a life when he died but I was living at home so I’d see him but there were always people around the house which honestly was exhausting.
With Mom, she was 97. I knew we were on borrowed time. Since September when she was given the diagnosis of aortic stenosis, and not a candidate for TAVR (go ahead and google it) we knew we had about a year if we were lucky. We got 7 months including one of the best Christmases ever.
When she fell on March 13th, I honestly thought it would be a week, but it ended up being a month. It was sad and hard and stressful. I almost thought at one point she would bounce back, but she didn’t.
I did get to hold her hand though. For a month! I got to tell her I loved her and even after her stroke she said she loved me and that meant the world to me. But life was going to need to keep going and I was going to need to get back to work. I told her that I’d have to go back on April 25th. Charlie had gone back to LA for his daughter’s 9th birthday and they were all driving up on the 10th of April for Spring break. Charlie and I even discussed if he should bring a suit and I wasn’t sure but in the end said yes. They all should bring clothes, just in case.
On April 10th, they got a late start and Mom’s breathing wasn’t great. I kept telling her 6 more hours Mom and Charlie will be here, 3 more hours, 30 minutes. He walked in the room around 8:47 PM, said hi to Mom and gave her a kiss. I was crying, grateful he made it. He texted his wife at 8:51 saying he didn’t think Mom would last the night. By 8:56, she was gone.
I know I’m incredibly lucky. I had a mom until I was 55 and she started at 42!! She was smart, practical, stubborn, and wise. I got to hold her hand and talk to her and be with her at the end. My brother was able to be with her at the same time as me. So many people over the last two years weren’t that lucky. They weren’t able to hold their loved one’s hand or just talk to them.
But now she is gone and part of me thinks I should be grateful but I’m not. I’m confused to be honest. I was mentally ready for this and my heart hurts, which I knew it would but that faith I had when my dad passed isn’t there. I don’t know where Mom’s spirt is. If there is a heaven, she would deserve a pretty good seat. But I’m not feeling it. I don’t know if it is because I’m older and more, cynical? I don’t know. I want her to be somewhere beautiful with all her old friends and a happier version of Dad and her parents. But I don’t know if I truly believe that anymore. I think this is one reason why I’ve had a hard time crying. I cried when she passed and I cry at weird times when I’m just thinking of her, but I don’t know. I know this world is a worse place without her, but I’m glad she doesn’t have to see what is going on in it anymore. But still I miss her. I miss her voice. I miss her smile. She had a great smile. It was her time. But I miss her.