Month: January 2022

Perspective is definitely something I lose when stressed. It is how I understand those with depression can become suicidal. I’ve felt that way and I always just try to go to sleep. Regular sleep mind you, not the big sleep, just to start a new day. That helps with just wanting to end it all. Depression can make things seem very black and white. When it gets particularly bad, suicide can seem like a positive option. But when you can have just a little perspective and think of those closest to you and how devastating it would be to them, then it is easier to stop. But when you are in a deep depression, that can be very challenging.

The past couple of weeks have been very stressful at work. My boss is under a lot of pressure. She generally does her job very well, but sometimes, she does forget that those working for her also are under a great deal of pressure. Maybe ours isn’t at work, but we all have our challenges these days. Mine are caring for elders, as well as a middle-schooler. Trying to stay connected to my family, husband, and friends. Some days it feels like I’m pulled in too many directions. Of course this is often an inside job. But when people know about it, sometimes they think they can tell you things that you haven’t thought about. Why don’t you get a new job? Why don’t you get more exercise? Why don’t you do this or that? All meant well but I am generally an intelligent person and usually have thought all these things through. Nothing that more time or money couldn’t fix.

Anyway, I digress. Today is Sunday and I actually had two very good solid nights of sleep where I woke up not feeling totally exhausted. Yesterday I went for a 5 mile walk/hike, half of which was on a local park trail and away from people. Saturday I got our first box from a meal planning company that I had ordered so I wouldn’t have to figure out what the hell to cook during the week. So as you can see, I’m taking steps. I’m trying to care for myself. I’m hoping when back in the office tomorrow, which right now I am dreading a bit, this perspective will carry over. Because honestly Friday I just wanted to quit. But I’ve done that once in my career and swore to my husband I wouldn’t do it again. I’m not quite there yet either, though honestly my annual review is due soon so I may be back there in the not too distant future.

Do I catastrophize a bit? Probably but honestly, when you are working at a job that is truly a job, I don’t love it I don’t hate it, it gets old. I would truly love to work somewhere with a boss who can give positive and negative feedback. I feel my current boss is pretty good at communicating negative feedback but rarely gives any positive. Not great for the morale. I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk to her about this and honestly my performance review may be the place. We shall see. None of this though is particularly easy for me as I often put family and work before me. These days it is hard to take a mental health day without having the world think you have Covid. It is easy enough to come back but explaining that your work environment is not helping ones mental health? Well, that can be challenging. I hate dwelling on all this too, but sometimes I just have to write it all down to move through it. Hopefully others understand this feeling. I would love to hear if you yourself have had similar experiences. Now that I have my new wiz-bang spam detector, hopefully I’ll see some “comments” from those who relate.

On a completely separate note I’m turning 55 in a bit over a month. I’m wondering if that is too early to be thinking about retirement? Honestly, I could retire soon and I’d be happy, but considering my Mom is 97, I just need to be sure I have the finances in place when that time comes. Not sure if that will be the case, but I guess we shall see.

On a positive note, we are getting passports renewed. We are hoping that Covid will be less of an issue this summer and would really like to go abroad. I know I’m not alone on that hope. Are you planning a trip? Where to? Would love to hear.

Hope life is being kind to you. Would love to share stories. Feel free to comment and we can chat further!

See what happens when I neglect this site? I have over 2000 pieces of spam in a week. I just delet

ed everything and am going to have my dear webmaster set up something to hopefully assist in limiting the spam. I’m a bit rusty on my web support so he is helping out. Thank goodness.

Nothing particularly new. Masking, working, trying to stay healthy. Eating up a storm in my typical stress way. The holidays triggered that and now post New Years I haven’t quite stopped yet. Hoping to get back to my cleaner eating soon. Have started making coffee at home so that is good, but I’ve been sad. Just the last two year, my Mom not great, my Aunt winding down. Work is okay. I should be looking for a new job but I kind of just want things with my Mom and Aunt to wrap up first. I have the time that I can take for FMLA which starting new somewhere else I wouldn’t have.

Work is hard because there is so much concern around money. I really dislike all the talk of money but it is very necessary for businesses, including schools, to keep going forward. I do understand that, but it does get tiresome. I would much prefer creating, but I don’t think this is the medium for me. I think part of me feels too old and a bit discouraged. I need to find something that gives me joy again. An activity that I can nurture.

Not the most interesting post, but here it is. Maybe the post should be spam. Garbage in garbage out, or so I’ve been told.

2022. I’ve been doing this little blog since 2017. I think I have one follower who is in anyway regular, besides the hundreds of Russian, Israeli and Chinese bots that seem to clog up my meager comments section. Ah well.

I know this whole site needs a major re-do, but I just haven’t been motivated to do so. I’m more interested in just logging my thoughts, in not particular order. Today I’m looking at how much I didn’t seem to accomplish in my week and a half off. I did have a lovely Christmas and peaceful New Years with friends and family. We have thankfully avoided Covid so far. It helps to be vaxxed and boosted.

I was going to write and apply to some jobs and really didn’t do much of either, though there is still time left into today.

There is a meme out there about the conviviality of the season and how between Christmas and New Years, you just eat cheese. I’m definitely feeling that way. I need to go on a dairy and cheese diet for the next month. It is remarkable how I’ve cut back on bread but during the holidays the dairy, chocolate and cheese consumption went up greatly.

Life continues forward. I’m feeling a bit directionless though I have a dear friend who more often then not texts me daily with 5 gratitudes. I have found this remarkably helpful for my mental state of mind and suggest everyone try it. It does help to have someone to share it with.

Everyday you write down 3-5 things you are grateful for. The more specific the better. It is fine for starting off with food, shelter, clothing, family, friends. You will find though the exercise improves when you get more specific. For example: I’m grateful for the Moonstruck hot chocolate my husband gave me for Christmas. I’m grateful the new coat I received that has been particularly useful in the last two days as temperatures dipped into the 20s.

Tomorrow I go back to work. It will be interesting with the recent spike in Covid cases. I suspect at some point I’ll catch this damn thing, but am hoping if/when I do it will be mild. My concern as always is giving it to someone who is immunologically compromised, or elderly. I don’t want anyone I love to die from this. I continue to occasionally call out the selfish dipshit at the grocery store who doesn’t understand why we wear masks. I’ve tried to avoid this at work as there is only one who is all up in arms about wearing a mask and they are retiring soon. A nice person otherwise but just doesn’t get the whole idea of preventing spread. Yes I know you don’t have it… yet. Sigh. I’m hoping with a few new people in our area the work situation will improve, but time will tell. No one is bad, in fact everyone is quite capable, it is just people get tired at a job and need a change. Myself included. Of course applying would probably help that situation. Happy New Year!