Do you ever think you are losing it? I seem to be feeling that way more often these days. I’ve questioned my faith, God, why I exist, so many things lately. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, and maybe I’m just ridiculously self-absorbed and don’t see it. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve lost my way. I seem to be drifting through life right now. Just trying to do whatever it is I’m supposed to. Check in on my Mom, go to work and do my job, make sure my child is happy, my husband is happy. But right now I just feel lost. I know I have it good too. I’ve seen people around me go through so much more. Losing spouses… A classmate of my daughter just lost his dad recently. It makes no sense to me. His mother has been so brave and strong. I’m in awe and humbled just watching from afar as they walk through this. I mean sure, what else can you do but also, why? Why does this world work the way it does? Why is bad behavior rewarded with all the crap that goes on in politics? Why do kids get guns and take them to school? I’m just, overwhelmed by the insanity of it all.
Then in my own little world my Mom and Aunt are dying but first they have to suffer through the indignities of their bodies shutting down on them. I try to keep it together watching and then end up with so much acid in my stomach it wants to get out and won’t let me eat. I’m afraid to see people for fear that my crazy will slip out and I’ll be seen as mad. And yet I feel in some ways that is the logical thing to be in all of this. A bit mad. I don’t know how to share this with people anymore. I don’t even know how to tell my own family this. I am feeling lost and like my once rose colored glasses have filtered out all the rose and now there is only gray, and darkness. I see glimmers of light, but then something comes in and takes that away. I’m angry that I don’t defend the joy and remove myself from the toxic negativity that is permeating everything.
But then I hear wisdom and hope in a eulogy of all things. Hope. I miss hope. And how can those who have lost so much be able to show me hope? I don’t know. Maybe it is just me. Maybe my mind is a little broken. Or maybe my heart. Either way, I wish I could fix it.