Month: January 2021

I haven’t been working Monday’s regularly at work, but due to some changes in my schedule, I will be through the end of February. I’m grateful that we finally have a new president in the US and feel slightly less on edge. However it turns out after 4 years of toxic leadership, almost one year in a pandemic including work and school from home, with an aging mother who is cognitively not doing great, I’m feeling a bit depressed. I know this isn’t anything new but some days are just more trying. Not for any particular reason either. Some days I just have a rough night sleep or one too many requests to do something that I have told people to do 20 times before. Maybe it is my child trying to do PE in my “office” which is on the first floor of our home. Maybe it is because my binge watching of old “The West Wing” episodes has reached season six, and the characters get hurt or the fictional president is having just as hard a time as our real one. Maybe it is just because it is Monday. Who knows. It just seems some days are harder than others. Some days I wonder if I’m the only one who goes through this. Some days I wonder if there is anyone who DOESN’T go through this.

I’m 53 and no longer do I think I’m 17 in my head. For many years I felt younger than I was, but these days, I feel every day of my 53 years. I know I should be exercising more because I feel better when I do, but I find it hard to carve out the time everyday. I feel split in many different directions. I worry for my friends I haven’t seen in a year. I worry for my kid who is only seeing one friend these days. I worry for friends who have moved away during this pandemic. I’m grateful for my job, but I am tired. I’m frustrated. It is silly really because I know there are others out there who are sick or out of work or have lost someone.

So much of this feels gratuitous. Honestly I wonder why I even bother to write this. Why do I put it out there? I really don’t think anyone is reading. And what if they are? Does it help any? Maybe, if only to know they are not alone.

I wonder what my mark on this world will be. I wonder if it will matter? Ah to be George Bailey and know if my life has made a difference. So goes my brain on a Monday in January.

12 years ago today, it was 2009. I was happy. I was expecting my first child. Barack Obama was elected on the platform of “hope”. I was 41 years old and I was holding tightly to that hope. Today I looked at my country and asked where did that hope go?

12 years. 8 with a leader that I admired. 4 with one I have despised. Do not think of me as someone who looks at Democrats as perfect and Republicans as evil. I once supported Ronald Reagan for President when I was in high school. For my Junior year Government class, we had to volunteer for a campaign. The Democrats were cooler, but I liked Reagan back then. I was more conservative.

I grew up with one parent a Democrat and one a Republican. I admired Republicans and was wary of Democrats. For most of my life I was an Independent. That changed this year. I wanted to vote for my candidate in the primary and had to change parties to do so, or so I believed. My candidate is not the one who is President-Elect I might add, but looking at our nation today, I realize, my candidate would not have won. She is not a white male.

Today I saw a remarkable number of angry white men, and some women, storm the US Capitol building. Egged on by a “leader” who only sees chaos in honor of him. He isn’t looking out for our Democracy. He wants to tear it apart if only to build up his ego. I do not understand how people can follow this man. I don’t. I do know though that over 70 million Americans voted for him, even though he didn’t win. That is more than have voted for men who have won election in the past.

Our country is so divided. It is so angry. We can’t see someone else’s viewpoint anymore. 70 Million people voted for a man who would lock our borders to people who aren’t white. 70 million people don’t seem to care that this man is hell bent on doing anything for himself no matter who it hurts. Thankfully more than 80 million don’t. But how do we move forward? How do we become the America we should be? That America is not white I might add. That America has people from many backgrounds and faiths. They are rich and poor. They are looking for “hope”. How do we get back to that?

I’m hoping that President-Elect Biden and Vice President-Elect Harris have a plan. I hope they can show us how to disagree again but not tear each other’s eyes out in the process. I don’t need someone I always agree with, but I do want an intelligent and decent human being to lead this nation. I know no one is perfect, but can’t we strive to be better than what we currently have?

I’ve been watching old re-runs of The West Wing lately and they really make me happy. No one is perfect, but at least they are trying to do the right thing. I see President Biden that way. He was not my first choice. He has made mistakes. I don’t think though he owes anything to other countries or will compromise our Democracy as our current “President” has. It is sad that the bar has become so low. Where are the Jed Bartlett’s of the world? Where are the Leo McGarry’s? I know they are out there, but what will make them run for office? Katie Porter? Ted Lieu? I’d love to see my own Congressman Mark DeSaulnier in the Senate but he is probably considered too old. Smart, articulate, people you can look at and see decency. I hope President Biden can do that. I hope with a Democratic Senate we can get things done. I have hope, for now.

Please don’t let me down Democrats. Please remember all the people that need to be governed. Listen to Stacey Abrams. That is one person who knows how to get it done. I’d like to hear more of what she has to say. Maybe that is our problem. We need more black women in charge. They would get things done and not lead us to sedition. But maybe the Rolling Stones were right. “You can’t always get what you want, but, well if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.”