Month: September 2020

As I’ve mentioned here before I work at a small Liberal Arts College in Northern California. It has certainly had its struggles this year with Covid-19. We have scaled back in a variety of areas and the college is struggling financially. I support one of the higher ups in the college and I have to say, that person takes a lot of grief. The decisions that are being made are not easy and I constantly see people questioning openly the decision process. This comes from people I wouldn’t expect to question and it just goes to show how communication and society has broken down. So many of us don’t see each other day to day and communicate more often by email then by phone unless of course we are on a Zoom conference.

Most of us work remotely but I do go in once a week. Next week I’ll actually be helping in the Post Office and will be interacting with students, something I haven’t had to do for awhile. I of course have been working at home with my husband and 11 year old daughter, working and going to school as well. Next week though I’ll be working with students. I’m a bit nervous because I have found college students often aren’t as careful as a fifty something year old Mom. I will definitely chat with the students though to see how they are managing.

Most of my communication these days is via email as the forwarding function on my phone doesn’t always work well. I also find it easier to go through communication with more awareness when writing vs. being caught on the phone. That is why I get frustrated by people who think they know what people who have more authority and pay, are doing day to day. See I actually interact with these individuals. Yes, they get paid more than me, by a lot. But they are making so very many decisions on a daily basis, it is mind boggling. They have to balance how to house students, provide classes and technology safely, keep the school afloat with revenue drying up. They take heat from people who believe they don’t know what the students are going through. That may be true but it isn’t because they aren’t listening. They are interacting with staff, faculty, board members, parents, student representatives, the list goes on. They are making daily decisions that aren’t always popular, but they are truly doing the best they can. There are areas that need to be reviewed around race and representation no doubt, but right now, keeping the doors open, lights on and payroll going has to take precedence. I will freely admit the race thing need further review. We have good people at the college for this, but we are also trying to keep things alive. I shouldn’t say we though because I am just a support person. Do I wish I made more? Sure. Do I wish I saw more representation? Yes. But how do you do this and keep a college going? The college is looking for a new President so maybe that will be the answer. A person of color there. But if that happens, it will be because the people who are currently working, taking salary cuts but still working full time, kept the college alive. I just wish that would get recognition as well.

So next week, I’ll go and work with the students. Pray that they are being safe and I don’t get exposed. I’ve been fortunate so far. Let’s hope my time doesn’t run out.

Welcome to September. We are in the second week of sixth grade here at LadyACME. Online learning is going well. Mostly. Everyone agrees it is better than the Spring, though I thought our Spring went okay. I think we are all worn down social distancing. I’ve encountered more wanting to get together and often feel a bit odd saying no. Maybe I’m getting too used to this isolation.

The gym I went to for five years, that had to shut down in March finally closed its doors at the end of August. It was an amazing place for women and my heart aches for the owner. She put her blood sweat and tears into that place. So many love her, myself included. I know she will rise again, but the pain is real.

There has been so much suffering this year. People of color being brutalized, good police officers being shadowed by the bad or untrained, people dying, people suffering, people isolated. There is so much hatred being thrown around. I feel so powerless. My own family is suffering. In the grand scheme of things we are okay, but we all deal with the stress differently and sometimes, it is problematic. My Mom has been struggling living on her own and seeing her independence stripped by age and the state of a pandemic where people who are vulnerable need to be protected. Often the protection feels worse than the unknown consequences. I keep reminding myself that we all are trying to do our best, but I’m tired. Everyone is tired. Lord knows there are so many out there going through way more than me.

That doesn’t negate that it is all exhausting. Please God this is a once in a lifetime thing. It does make me want to run away. I’m constantly looking at real estate I can’t afford and in locations I’ve never been to. A lot of these places have pools. I grew up with a pool and never wanted one because I would have to take care of it. But this year? I want a pool so we have something different to do. We live where it is warm enough to have one vs. where I lived as a kid. It would be justifiable to have a pool, but what happens when all this is over? I want a dog too but what happens when things end and I’m back in the office? I don’t know that I’ll be back in the office that I have now or somewhere else so I try to enjoy the fact that I’m always around my family. Something I complained about before all this started. Back when I just wanted time with my family. Now I have it and I just want to see other people on occasion. It is all crazy!!! Honestly I’m really not enjoying life right now. I’m having a hard time vocalizing how I feel so I write. I write and wonder if anyone reads. If anyone feels the same. I wonder how many others feel disconnected with their families they live with and see all the time? My husband go through periods where we don’t talk because it always devolves into politics or the virus and its effect on everything and neither of us want to talk about that. We actually agree on these topics too but we are worn down by them. He tries to talk to me about Disneyland, which just makes me sad and frustrated since we can’t go. I talk about real estate which makes him frustrated because he likes where we live and we can’t really move anyway. These are ways we escape in our minds though. These are the tools we are using since we can’t go places. I text friends and we have short conversations but this seems to frustrate him as he sees it as taking away from the here and now. Neither of us are wrong, we are both just dealing in our own ways. No one has ever experienced this in our lifetime.

The pandemic, the deterioration of our government, our children unable to play with all their friends. These are situations we can’t control. Sure we can make pods with friends we feel safe with and vote out those we disagree with, but these things seem so small. I find, the biggest thing any of us can do right now is to be kind. I try to be kind at the grocery store to those around me. Sometimes I run into others who are having their own issues and can’t see past them. I smile when I can but wear a mask makes that message a bit garbled.

But I’m not always kind either. Sometimes I just hold my tongue. My husband and daughter were Skyping with my in-laws today. I truly wanted to say “hi” and see how they are doing, but I was afraid that things would get political. We definitely don’t agree there. They were saying how some were “paranoid” and cited a cousin who was being cautious. I thought they probably would think of people I know and love as being “paranoid”. I thought I could be considered “paranoid” when in reality I think I’m just being cautious. I really didn’t want to start a fight, but I was so frustrated with the conversation too.

Later I was reading a post I saw on Linked-In. It was political. I don’t usually see political posts on Linked-In because most people I know keep that sort of thing off Linked-In to avoid conflict for potential job prospects. The people writing seemed to be retired which I suppose makes you feel more able to share politics in that forum. They started off with a fairly polite discussion of very different viewpoints. Unfortunately, as these things seem to do these days it devolved quickly. People blame one side or the other, but the reality is it is both. It is a total inability to see someone else’s viewpoint. I used to be much more conservative, but have become more liberal over time. (I’m told this is somewhat unusual.) But still I used to feel those who were more conservative could see the other side. Now that isn’t the case. Oh I’ve known those who are more liberal who don’t see the other side at all as well. Equally emphatic about their viewpoints. But now, everyone is so entrenched. There is no middle. I’m particularly saddened by this in my faith. Many in my faith are entrenched too, and it has really made me lose my faith. The inability to see suffering from one’s fellow human. Maybe it has always been there and I have chosen to ignore it, but now, it seems worse. It has really affected me too. I’ve lost faith. I’ve lost faith not because of God, but because of humans. I keep thinking we are supposed to rise above and find a way to come together and yet it seems we find more differences.

But, differences are important. I mean differences make life a lot more interesting. If we were all the same and thought the same, life would be dull. But it would be nice to get back to civilized discussion. Even civilized disagreement. But maybe we have to break things to evolve. Or maybe I’m just breaking things right now and am evolving. Growth hurts. I just haven’t experience so much growth at the same time as everyone else. How are you handling differences these days?