July 2020 – LadyACME

Happy 96th

This weekend my brother came up from Santa Monica and stayed with us. My Mom turned 96 on Monday. We decided that just in case she wasn’t feeling well Monday we would schedule two visits with her. One Saturday and one Monday.

My brother arrived for dinner around 6:00 PM Friday evening as my husband was ready to fire up the grill. It was a simple meal. Steaks and corn for my brother and husband, and salmon and corn for my daughter and I. We chatted for a bit as I recounted in my prior post. The next day my brother went for a run and to pick up my Mom for visit number one. Friday I had emailed the director of Mom’s community to remind him of the visit and how it would be in two parts. My brother had checked in with him a month or so ago to figure out what the protocol would be and I followed up just to make sure we were all on the same page. Not hearing any issues, off to Mom’s my brother went.

The drive is 35-45 minutes depending on traffic. These days traffic tends to be light and my brother got to Mom’s place around 11:45 AM after first grabbing a sandwich. The entrance to Mom’s community is through two sets of sliding glass doors. When my brother arrived he went through the first set but found the second set locked. This was how her facility was limiting access. At first the receptionist would not let him in. After much back and forth they finally did. The person advised my brother that the Director of the facility would not let him go to my Mom’s residence. This seemed odd due to our communications. After much back and forth, the director finally came out and told my brother that he could not visit. My brother, in a firm manner, advised the director that in fact not only had we discussed this visit in prior email, but that his sister, yours truly, had communicated to him the prior day with no response. The director advised that things had changed and the policy had changed but was unable to present the changed policy in writing. He finally relented and let my brother in after checking his temperature.

In Mom’s apartment my brother did some computer upgrades making it easier for Mom to access services online and do online conferencing with all of us. They had lunch together in the apartment before heading out to come over to my house. Once here we escort Mom to our backyard. We had decided in advance we would not wear masks as we all have been pretty careful. As we sit down my email beeps. I finally have the result from my Covid test of 10 days prior. Negative! A welcome relief as I don’t know what we would have done if I was positive except send Mom back with my brother and all respectively isolate.

After receiving the test result and before Mom sits down, I give her a hug. I haven’t hugged her since I last saw her in late February. I have now physically touched two people beyond the two I live with, and it feels strangely decadent. But all are family. All are immediate family. I’m giddy just having my Mom and brother with me in these strange times. They are both happy, albeit stir crazy like all of us, and more importantly, healthy.

It is a beautiful day and we spend it just being in each other’s presence. My husband grills a chicken, I steam some green beans and make a salad. This isn’t even the official birthday yet, but it is a celebration just the same. We are together.

At 96, my Mom is finally slowing down. Her vision is very poor with macular degeneration and glaucoma. She has become quite hunched over in the last couple of years. Perpetually staring at the ground due to osteoporosis. She is walking with a cane and my brother and I point out every minor trip hazard around us. She has outlived most of her friends, but her two younger sisters, at 94 and 92 are still with us. The youngest has the most medical issues including COPD. I worry about all of them getting this virus. The world is not kind to the elderly and this year has been particularly bad. But I push all that aside, for today, we are together.

After dinner I bring out brownies that I’ve made for us to enjoy. They are gluten free for my daughter with celiac, but you wouldn’t know it from eating them. My husband and brother enjoy wine with Mom and I offer to drive her back to her home so my brother can continue his visit and not have to make another drive today. Mom agrees, and shortly after 7:00 PM we depart.

The sun is setting and it is a balmy summer night. Living in the East Bay area we don’t get the fog that rolls into San Francisco or Marin County at this time of year. It is there though so that we also don’t hit the 90 degree mark. Our natural air conditioning is delivering the perfect weather.

I advise Mom that we should put on our masks before pulling into the parking lot of her residence, so as not to incur the wrath of the director. The facility looks like the hospital front line with multiple signs posted directing staff through one door and non-staff through another. The second set of doors are locked, and Mom’s hands are full with supplies I have given her to return home with. I walk in behind her and bang on the second set of glass doors. From behind her desk the receptionist pushes a button and my Mom goes in as I retreat. I’ll bring her back again on Monday.

Sunday is relatively uneventful. My brother goes running, I go walking and together we meet up for coffee and walk home. Beers are with my husband in the evening as I don’t drink, but the morning is for coffee. My realm. It looks to be another lovely day and once home we all take our respective showers. The day is lazy with reading and chores and continued hope for a vacation in August. My brother helps my Mom get online for mass. Mom gives my brother the address of her hair dresser where he will pick her up at noon. The salons have closed again but my Mom has known her hair stylist for over 30 years and she has offered to do her hair at her house. While we have argued with her not to go out, she is insistent. The hair stylist lives alone and Mom won’t be around anyone else, besides the cab driver who will pick her up to take her, so we relent.

Dinner that night is hamburger. My brother is having more red meat in two days than he has had in months, and is quite enjoying it. In the evening we all retreat to our respective corners to read before going to bed. Tomorrow is the big birthday.

Monday comes, cooler than the weekend. I currently have Mondays off as my work has asked for those who aren’t as busy to lessen their hours to save money. I don’t mind lesser hours if it allows me more time with my family. My husband on the other hand is about to max out his PTO so has to start taking days. He knows this visit with my Mom is a big deal for us so he has taken the day off as well. My brother brings my Mom back to our house around 1:00 PM. A little earlier today. It isn’t as exciting as Saturday and I’m distracted as I’ve offered to help with a small task at work which I was hoping to be done by now but isn’t. We settle Mom in. We give her her cards. My niece who is seven, has done a watercolor with poppies and a bird which is quite good. We are all a bit awestruck at her talent at such a young age. I think my daughter is a little put out that my niece who isn’t with us and four years her junior is getting this attention. But she doesn’t say anything. It is one of those teachable moments where hopefully she sees why we always encourage her to make cards rather than buy them. They really do have more meaning when you get a home made card from a child as an adult. You don’t realize that as a kid though. My daughter knows that she is here though and relishes being around all of the activity. She loves her cousins and is looking forward to our vacation in a couple of weeks, we hope, assuming there are not further closures.

Mom sits back with a satisfied smile. My husband and brother start talking shop and she nods off. I feel self conscious that so much of our discussion is around her and not about her, but she is obviously happy. She later comments on how nice it is to be out and with family. The day goes very similar to Saturday, but with a different menu. Tonight we have flank steak and grilled zucchini. The evening ends singing “Happy Birthday” and Mom blowing out a candle on her birthday cupcake. She is happy and once again I offer to drive her home.

My brother tells us he has received an update from Mom’s residence who sends out notices these days when there is news about Covid. Four workers have contracted the virus and to date, none of the residence have, but today the notice goes out that a resident has contracted it. They are currently isolating in their apartment. They think they picked it up at a doctor’s appoint. I wonder to myself if perhaps it was elsewhere.

Mom says her good byes. Even my husband, who is trying to be extra cautious around my Mom gives her a light hug. My daughter does as well. I wonder to myself when and if we will be able to do this again. I try to brush the thought aside. We put her things in the car and say goodbye.

While driving back I feel like this is the last time I will see her. If school manages to be in person before the end of the calendar year, I wonder if we will be able to get together for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I remind my Mom as we are driving back that now that a resident has it she has to be extra cautious. They are going to require her to isolate for two weeks since she has been outside the facility. That is the current rule. We had the two gatherings to make the most of what would require her to quarantine. She says she will and I remind her that includes hair appointments. She says she will, but I wonder.

I am quiet even though I feel I’m missing an opportunity to discuss something with my Mom. She has always been quite the go getter, but at 96 she has slowed considerably. She still can walk, thank goodness, but her appetite is fading. Her language seems to be faltering slightly as well. She stutters for words like her mouth can’t keep up with her mind. I know it is just aging, but it is hard to watch. I constantly worry that she will get this virus. I don’t want to lose her but I know I don’t have a lot of time with her left. I want to be able to hold her hand if possible when it is her time to go. I worry if she gets this virus she will be in pain and alone. The loneliness scares me the most.

We make it back to her residence with our masks on. I come around to get her and her things out of her car. She reaches to give me a small hug even though we have said we won’t do this at the facility. I actually step back. I remind her we have to be careful now. I go in through the first set of doors and give her her things. I knock loudly on the second set of doors and in she goes, while I go back to my car. In my car I take off my mask. When will I be here again I wonder, as I pull away.

A Visitor

My brother drove into town last night. Our Mom’s birthday is Monday and we are going to bring her over to my house to have a small celebration, give her a change of scenery, and just be together. My Mom turns 96 on Monday. She has been in her retirement community since the Shelter in Place started on March 16th. She had gone out for a couple of hair appointments back in March and then again recently, but that has pretty much been it. That and doctor appointments, which thankfully are few. Her retirement community has imposed a 14 day quarantine to any resident who goes offsite and comes back. It doesn’t matter if it is for a doctor appointment or hair appointment. You are supposed to self-quarantine for 14 days. To this end she isn’t supposed to have visitors but we asked if we could bring her over to my home. They said fine. We could even go to her room if we pass the temperature check and masking rules. But only one of us could go. We agreed knowing she would be back in quarantine afterward.

So the project to break my Mom out is underway. I have to say though, it is so nice to have my brother come stay with us. He didn’t bring his wife and kids. We are going to see them in August and we thought it probably a bit safer just to have Mom visit the four of us.

My brother was the first person, outside my daughter and husband, that I have physically touched in 4 months. We gave each other a light hug. We had dinner and he was his charming self. My brother is very sharp and can tell a great story. He lives an interesting life and always regales us with his latest adventures. Living in LA there never seems to be a shortage of stories to tell.

I have been looking forward to this visit for weeks but tried very hard not to get my hopes up because we were afraid of too many things that could go wrong. Fortunately, my brother was able to drive from Santa Monica to our home in the East Bay without stopping. I think he broke the land speed record at 5 hours 7 minutes too. We even went to get coffee together this morning after he went for a run and I went for a walk. It was great. I’m so grateful I have a brother that I truly love and enjoy being around. He is the only person in this world who knows what it is like to grow up in our family. Our father used to remind us as kids, “When your mother and I are gone, you will only have each other.” We thankfully also both have our own families now, but we understood even as kids what our dad meant. There is only one person in this world who witnessed first hand what our family was. I’m grateful to say my Dad did succeed in getting that message across. I’m grateful we both listened to it too.

So off he goes to get Mom. He will help her with some computer upgrades, bring over a printer she isn’t using, and deliver this most precious person to us. He is looking forward to grabbing a sandwich at a deli in Marin he likes. It is amazing right now how much these little things mean. A favorite sandwich, a family visit, good weather so we can sit outside. The pandemic is certainly helping us remember where our priorities should be. While our nation struggles and our national “leadership” obfuscates, I’m grateful that at least, I can still visit with my family. I don’t expect us to do much. Just sit outside and talk. Right now, that experience is something money just can’t buy.

My Covid test

So in preparation for visiting my soon to be 96 year old mother, I went to get a Covid test. I had called my primary care physician last week to schedule it. My care provider has a drive through testing site near my home. I made an appointment and showed up. There were two cars in front of me. I was 10-15 minutes early. When my turn came up, one person came to the passenger side of my car and held up a card asking for my ID card. I showed it to them. They took the information and went over to a table that seemed to have the individual kits for each patient being tested. When the car in front of me finished they waved me forward. A person fully gowned, with face mask, face shield and gloves, had me roll down my window. They told me that they would first swab my throat. I had experienced this before for strep throat and it was the same sort of experience. Then they told me to mask my mouth but keep my nose outside the mask. I was asked to lean back and the technician told me to “relax and slowly breathe through my mouth”. This was while she inserted a long skinny pipe-cleaner tipped wire up my nose. I swear I was ready for it to come out through my tonsils. She stopped, said she had to try again. So back to it. I couldn’t help but cough incessantly while the technician was plying my nasal cavity for whatever germy thing they look for. She finished that side. “Now for the other.” This I did not expect. I did not expect to get both nostrils swabbed, but here I was. She went up my right nostril to the point I had to pull back. “I think I got it.” Good I thought because I did not need to do that again. I rolled up my window and drove off. I feel like my face is stuck in that look you have when you smell something disgusting. But over the hour since my test, my face has slowly returned to normal.

I swear those people who don’t wear masks, will be really upset when nurses start swabbing their nostrils and worse, intubating them should they end up with this disease. I’ll take the mask any day, thank you very much.

July

The fourth of July holiday has come and gone. We were able to barbeque on the 5th with one family, but otherwise, it was a pretty quiet fourth. Unfortunately, the isolation is really starting to take its toll on our eleven year old. She really misses her friends. We have, to date, let her play with 3 separate friends whose families have been rather strict. She really can’t wait for school to start which right now, looks like will be primarily half days in person and half days online. We are happy with this because she really needs the social part of school. We are nervous too though, as we suspect this is when Covid may finally hit a bit closer to home. But this will be August.

For July, we are preparing for my Mom’s 96th birthday. Mom lives in a retirement community of over 300 people. She has her own one bedroom apartment, but has been rather isolated since March. She is able to get her mail, and walk on the terraces in her community, but they have not been allowed to go out or have visitors. If they do, they immediately need to quarantine in home for 14 days. After her hair salon reopened after 3 months, it was the first thing she was off to do. When she returned she was reminded she had to go into quarantine in her apartment for two weeks. She has been sneaking out at night around 8:00 PM to exercise, i.e. walk around on the terraces. She finds no one is around then so figures she is safe. She still has the mask just in case.

My brother has been trying to help her get other meals from outside her community. The dinners are particularly problematic it seems. She had a burger recently from a favorite restaurant and was ecstatic. Another delivery from another establishment turned out to be very problematic. The situation has been very hit and miss. My brother and I are concerned because she has lost a lot of weight. Due to osteoporosis she has shrunk at least 3-4 inches from her original 5’6″ height. She now weighs 110 pounds which is probably 20-30 pounds less than what she should be.

This week I’m going to get a Covid test to try and ensure that I’m okay to see her for her 96th birthday that is coming up. I usually see her a few times a month but haven’t seen her since February. We have done online calls but I want to let her come visit us for her birthday. The plan is my brother will come up and stay with us in our home. He and I will then go get her so she can come over to our house and hang out. We will feed her some good food and just be with each other. The one thing this shelter in place has truly taught me is the value of family and friends. We have had to stay away from friends but now, I hope to spend some quality time with my Mom. We will drive her home after visiting so she can sleep in her own bed. I’m hoping this all goes well and she in turn stays well.

I’ll post here Wednesday after my test. I’m going into work for the last time tomorrow morning and then for the next few weeks will strictly be working from home. Fingers crossed this all goes well.