Month: May 2020

Two months ago, Friday the 13th in March 2020, we were just learning about going into a Shelter in Place in Contra Costa County. It was supposed to start the following week. My daughter was originally going to have two half days then those went away. I was still working at a small liberal arts college and was soon to find out the college viewed us as essential (that would change the following week). We weren’t wearing masks but we were washing our hands to the point of almost bleeding. It is now two months later. We all wear masks when we go anywhere which is mainly the grocery store, Target, and whatever Starbucks I can find. I’m on Zoom and my daughter is on Zoom and my husband is on Zoom. Heck even my 95 year old mother is learning Zoom with much help from my brother. That said, we all miss seeing people in person.

Summer is four weeks away and all the camps have cancelled. I found one which still was trying to happen, but after talking to many friends and family, we aren’t sure it is the right thing, though I desperately want my kid to physically see and play with someone. You see while school is open, we have some sense of normalcy. We have a rhythm. But once that stops, I’m afraid. How do I keep my kid connected?

I used to be the mom who was all against devices. My kid is a voracious reader and I fed her book habit. Since this pandemic and our sheltering, all my device rules have gone out the window. I’ve even gone so far as to get her a gaming device for her birthday at the end of the month. That was never even a thought before this.

I’m trying to live day by day, but so often I drift. I wonder when I might see my Mom, or my brother again. I don’t even think about going to a restaurant at this point. I like restaurants too. But I’m afraid that is going to be changed for quite some time, and the thought of hanging out with strangers around food, right now doesn’t appeal to me. I do want to walk along a beach. I have hills I could roam near my house but it is also allergy season and unfortunately the grasses have kicked up my seasonal asthma. I’m coughing violently at times before bedtime. I’ve renewed my emergency inhaler. When my husband has awakened in the middle of the night and moved to the guest bedroom in a bleary eyed daze he says I should get tested. But this is allergies.

To appease him I reached out to my doctor about testing saying I don’t think I’m sick but aren’t tests more available? She gave me a number but I hesitate to call. I know there are people out there who really are sick. Who need those tests. Who am I to take them away from them? I’m not worried, but others are. If this is the thing that keeps my child from playing with another in a month or two I will take it, but I’m hoping the allergies will pass.

As with most things, the hardest part is the waiting. The waiting to go back to an office. To visit others. To plan going anywhere! I even plan the grocery store visits these days. During the week is better than the weekend. Morning is easier than the afternoon. I have a hard time planning future trips even for fun, because I don’t know when I will be able to travel. I don’t want to get on a plane until there is a vaccine or the threat has been seriously mitigated. That may be years!

Irony of ironies. Before this I was wanting more time with family. Now I have it. But what to talk about when you don’t see others? My husband and I are looking back at shows we haven’t watched trying to figure what series to look at now since Hollywood is in lockdown as well. I’m finally looking to YouTube for art classes for my daughter. Reading, writing, I should be running but the allergies and breathing are putting a pause on that.

I watch the calendar, knowing I’m paid through May, but wonder what June will bring. Will I be able to go into the office? Will my boss be in the office? Will I keep the same hours? It all starts to make me anxious so I bring it back to today. Even my writing seems to be looping. Haven’t I written about this before? Am I repeating myself again? Who reads this? Does anyone care? Who cares if they care. I feel better writing. Well it would be nice if it helped someone.

This blog is like writing a pen-pal who doesn’t answer. But it is a log. A log that one day I hope to look back on and say, “Hey, I handled that okay. Maybe not perfect, but I did okay.”

I still miss the people though. Hello people! Stay safe! Stay well!

I’ve lost track of time. I know we haven’t quite hit two months in shut down but will probably after the 16th of May. Where I live in California things are still shut down until the end of May. As a parent, all my thoughts are turning to the summer and how to handle social distancing. I suspect I’ll be back at my office in June while my daughter will still be doing school at home. My husband is probably going to be the lone parent at home when that starts as his work is more conducive to being done from home. Also the business he works for encourages that. Mine does not. They are allowing it because of the circumstances. I am truly grateful for a job, but time will tell what that job is.

I really am anxious to get my child back to playing with at least one friend. While I feel as an adult I can deal with the isolation from an intellectual vantage point, my daughter who is 10, doesn’t have that luxury. Mind you she has adapted in an amazing way, but a whole summer without other kids would be brutal.

Most camps we know of have cancelled. I’m still holding out hope for one in June but who knows. We have all shelved any summer travel plans. We hope things may ease enough to take a short road trip somewhere for a week, but that would purely be a change of scenery. We aren’t looking to eat out as we normally would. It would be a lot of self-prepared meals and hopefully travel with another family. But of course those are a lot of ifs.

My in-laws are back in New York and I don’t expect to travel back there this year at all. I don’t really want them to travel here either even if they want to. It just is something that can skip a year. Maybe I’m paranoid and maybe things will change significantly but as of today, I don’t see much travel before mid-2021 at the earliest.

Maybe a road trip but for the time being, that is all I can think about. It seems to be a bit silly to be concerned about travel right now. I know many are out of work. I’m fortunate that both my husband and I still have jobs. This is not lost on me. I know it is going to take years to recover from this economically, but I also realize if we didn’t do this “shelter in place” our state and country would be ravaged even worse than we have been. That too would effect the economy. I also fear for a resurgence of this virus, potentially in a different form in the Fall and Winter. I’m still concerned about my mother who is 95 and is in an even greater restricted lock down at her retirement community. My Aunt with dementia as well. They are both more vulnerable and more bored than I am.

Mostly it is the not knowing how this will play out. I see people protest that they want things opened up. Part of me just says, let them go out there. The rest of us will stay put, thank you very much. You can be our canary in the coal mine. But that is selfish too, as there are those who don’t have a choice. They have to work on the front lines but it in health care, grocery stores, or the post office.

We as a society though need to get our shit together. These white boys with semi-automatic weapons? They need to be arrested. Fine, protest. But you don’t need guns. If you were a person of color you would be locked up. Unemployed? State governments need to call on somebody to let people get through. We can’t go to the offices, and people can’t get through on the phone. I have no idea how it works online. People need to get paid so they can eat.

I know the road ahead is not going to be easy. But we need to get it together as a society. Help each other out. But I fear, the last 3.5 years have pulled us apart more than brought us together. Therein lies the true problem of our current situation.