Month: April 2020

Hi all. I haven’t been writing as much. I’ve been busy but not the fun kind of busy. Working at a small liberal arts college these days is a bit depressing. I’m grateful I don’t have to make the decisions but everyone seems to have an opinion of what should be done. I know the leadership is working hard. They have taken pay cuts and are trying to keep cash on hand. It isn’t pretty.

At home, my husband finally let me give him a trim. When I pointed out one part that might need a little extra taken off, he ended up cutting a bit too much off in one spot. Most people wouldn’t notice but he does. Just glad it wasn’t me.

I went by the board and care where my Aunt is to cut her toenails. I went in the back way, masked and gloved. I only saw her and the care giver closed her door. I don’t think she fully realizes the passage of time. She did remember me, so that is a blessing.

I’ve been talking to my Mom who is in a retirement community. They aren’t allowing visitors, but it sounds like they at least can interact with each other from a distance. That makes me feel a bit better that she isn’t totally isolated.

Meanwhile at home we had a friend of my 10 year old, drop off a book with her mom who is a friend of mine. We hung out for an hour out front 10 feet apart. It was so nice to just talk to someone face to face. We so wanted to hug each other but of course didn’t. It is amazing how much I miss people. I wonder how settlers back in the day survived. I can understand how you made acquaintances along the way travelling and how the nearest neighbor was miles away. It kind of feels like that here in suburbia. We are seeing a lot more neighbors outside but it is amazing how many we don’t know.

We haven’t ordered out much. I am constantly wanting to get pizza but no one else does. I think I’m gaining weight in lock down while everyone else in the family is losing. I’m running three days a week. Well run/walking. I realize I weigh 25 pounds more since the last time I ran. I’m also 5 years older. The combination isn’t doing me any favors. My depression is somewhat under control while I continue to crave the carby serotonin goodness of sugar and bread. Sigh…

My daughter tells me how she wishes this was over. I tell her everyone does but I can’t tell her when it will be over. I feel we may have a bit of a respite over the summer, but I suspect we will be doing this again in the fall/winter. I don’t know what will happen with the school I work at. I hope they can stay open. The people and programs are great, but they aren’t Harvard with some amazing endowment. Education is changing a lot right now. I suspect when my daughter goes to college in 7-8 years college is going to look a bit different than it looks now. Just a hunch.

I don’t know when we will travel again. But that is a first world problem. I think of those who are still at the border looking for asylum but because of their skin color are being locked up and at such a greater risk than I am of catching this virus. I pray that this person leading our country is NOT re-elected. I place so much blame at his feet in this. I realize it would have been problematic for any administration, but this one… the ignorance and bravado of turning it’s nose up to science is mind numbing. And if you think it is great, well, thank you but I don’t need to hear it. You will never convince me that man can do anything right and I’ve given up on convincing you otherwise.

It is a sad world right now. I feel I should be writing more and better but I just write and wonder if it makes a difference to anyone. Even to myself. I love it when people respond with their thoughts, so if you feel so compelled (and are not trying to sell me some plugin that will make my site SO MUCH BETTER) please share. I do read the comments and will post them though it usually takes me a day or so to do that.

I personally can’t think much past June right now. I just don’t know what the future holds. I’m truly learning how to live one day at a time. I wonder what I’m learning. What others are learning. I know a pause is probably a good thing, but why? I need to learn something from all this, though what that is I don’t know. I like reading uplifting stories. I love celebrities who spread good stuff. John Krasinski is my new hero with SGN. But the real heros, as I’m sure he would agree, are the doctors, nurses, medical workers who are on the front lines. The scientists looking for the cure and those who are funding that science because that is where money should be going. That and for shelter for the homeless who are even more vulnerable.

But I’ll get off my soapbox. Even I get tired of my own voice and concerns. What makes you happy? I really do love watching movies. I just wish I could pick them a bit more often. I’ll save that for next time. In the meantime, stay safe and well. Wash your hands and wave to your neighbor.

This topic has been in my mind for some time but I haven’t had the will or energy to address it until now. We are 5 weeks (I think) into this shelter in place (SIP) in Northern California. The extended nature of this SIP, is particularly challenging for those who have mental health issues or who haven’t been sure but are finding themselves more on edge in these strange days. I’m somewhat familiar with these feelings since I have had clinical depression for most of my life. I have been on medication for it for 26 years now. It is something I have struggled with, pretty much since adolescence. It is one of those invisible diseases that I usually try to ignore as to its impact on me and my interactions with the world. One thing about a pandemic though, the old rulebook gets thrown out.

I have had one on one therapy over the years. I had started on another round going into this situation slightly before it escalated to a shelter in place. Much of my personal stress was related to dealing with an aging parent and another aging relative who I have some responsibility over. Additionally I have a husband and 10 year old daughter. Lest I forget I also have a full time job. So relatively “normal” but when any part of that equation ratchets up, so does my stress and often my depression and it’s lovely cousin anxiety.

I have tools. But some days one doesn’t want to get out of bed. I do get out of bed by 7:00 AM, but often by mid-afternoon, and sometimes as early as mid-morning, I get stuck. Getting stuck usually results in being overwhelmed. I can’t do simple tasks because my body is in a panic. When in a panic, I usually am HIGHLY irritable. I manage this usually by quiet. But when a stressor of needing to complete something for a project, or deal with a family member or some self-imposed crisis presents itself, I put in a lot of mental energy to complete the project and maintain a socially acceptable way to cope with the stressor at large. Once that is done, I usually am exhausted. This may seem odd to those who do not experience either depression or anxiety, but believe me it is very real. I’m naturally an introvert as well so my way to recharge is to get away from people. Whether in a normal at home environment or work environment, this can be challenging. I usually have to defer these feelings to recharge which usually takes even more energy.

In the current world of shelter in place, I am at home with two of the people I love most in the world. The sad thing is, this doesn’t always make things easier. You would think it would. Believe me I realize how truly lucky I am and don’t want to end up in directing my anxiety that comes out after a particularly large stressor. So you can imagine, being in a pandemic where you are locked in for your safety, could be triggering. Being in a lockdown, albeit to be safe, can at times feel like a punishment even for an introvert like myself. One of my tools that has developed over the years is to reach out to a variety of people so that one person (i.e. spouse, family members) doesn’t get the brunt of my issues. Therapists are great because you pay them to listen. They kind of have to. But therapists aren’t at your beck and call either. As an individual, I have to manage this so as to not end up in a hospital situation which can make everything much, much worse. See to end up in the hospital means you have to relinquish control. You give up things like being able to be at home with loved ones and jobs and all of these sorts of things. What you get in return is supposed to be closer observation and realization by the outside world that your situation is problematic. This might include medication and more intervention. This can be a very scary thing because unless you have a therapist who has been working with a psychiatrist to manage your case, the two may not be on the same page. In today’s fractured medical world, insurance doesn’t like to cover mental illness. They seem to think it is more mental than illness. Things are changing but there is still a huge stigma over this. I’m fortunate as I am generally able to self advocate. Others are not as fortunate. I also have many close to me who are able to protect me to some extent. Others do not. This is one of the many challenges we see in our homeless or displaced communities. We see mental health issues that are not being treated by medical professionals. Additionally when mental health is involved, many start to self- medicate via alcohol or drugs. My drug of choice is chocolate and naps. Chocolate for serotonin, and naps to both re-energize and sometimes to just make time pass more quickly. Generally this results in fat though, not incarceration.

If you feel you too are suffering due to depression, anxiety, mental illness, or substance abuse, know there are amazing resources out there. The people are amazing too. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Share your story with someone you can trust. Believe me that the old adage of sharing one’s burden cuts it in half is very true.

These are crazy times. Know that you are not alone. I’m always here to talk, text or write. You have no idea how hearing another’s story helps me get out of my own issues. I’ve seen it happen with others time and again.

As the days blur together and I lose track of what day of the week it is, there are moments where it feels like we are living in a movie. Communicating via Zoom so we can see those we can’t be near. Having limited contact with most of society except for our immediate family or those we are sheltered with. Designating who is the gatherer of food/supplies. Children learning remotely. Even our jobs. Those of us who can work remotely are able to and some of us with essential jobs can work face to face. But entertainment is changing. Personal service is changing. I realize these should be temporary but it makes me wonder if it could turn out to be further reaching. Even the government, which has been in a dark space in these last few years, seems to be getting darker. And yet I see light in the leadership of many states, where people and health is being looked out for. It seems a bit dystopian, yet not quite. There are those who believe in this government which I find truly despicable. But there are those who are heroes too. The healthcare workers, the cashiers, the truckers, the ones working in some Amazon warehouse supplying our various needs.

Then there is this odd link that my husband and I have had lately. Being more mentally in synch. Especially with our daughter. We feel more protective. We are more aware of the fragility of life especially to those dearest to us. We don’t want to see anyone we know but especially those we love, get affected by this virus. This unseen thing which has swept the entire world so quickly. In the science fiction movies we see of the Earth being invaded, it is some outside being. But this is some microscopic protein. It can be broken down by something as simple as soap and water but it can also change when it comes in contact with human mucus, changing it to become aggressive. If that isn’t science fiction come to life, I don’t know what is.

We have started to see glimmers of hope where I live. A slowing down but not going away. They say this is the flattening of the curve we have been trying to achieve. It will require probably longer isolation, but a greater ability to sustain our society.

There are other signs though of darkness. Those claiming a superiority be it some blind faith or simply entitlement for a way of life that has always been for some. They continue to gather thinking they are impervious to this virus. They always will. There are those who don’t think the rules apply to them. Again, these types will always be there as well. But I continue to be reminded of what I have always been taught. Learn and educate yourself. Listen to all sides, but then choose your path. Choose the path that is good for all not just a select few. The mythology of stories still plays true in this real life adventure. Look for those doing good. Be the good. Be the one who helps. Do not let the evil win. Protect the vulnerable. It is like living in a movie, except this time, it is real and happening to all of us.

I realize that today, Sunday April 5th is not only Palm Sunday, but the last day of week 3 for us. The shut down, shelter in place, quarantine, whatever this all is started on Monday March 16th. Looking back that Friday the 13th must have been a bit more powerful then any of us realized. March 16th was when school went online. It was the one full day I went into work because the next day I was told to stay home. My husband had already gone to working from home full time to accommodate our daughter’s new schedule. I was grateful to join him on the 17th. At the time there were so many unknowns. At the time, my 95 year old mother thought it was an over-reaction and my seventy something mother-in-law was planning her next weekend in Atlantic City. Thankfully they both now understand the gravity of the situation.

We all know how this has grown, but the thing that lingers right now is three weeks in, when will it end? Early on we were anxious to get the kids back to school before the year is out. Now we are hoping they can go back in the Fall. I’ve found that I can only look at today and the coming week for planning. When I look out further I get incredibly anxious. I’m assuming my family will not be going back East this summer. I’m hoping we can go somewhere this summer because when we can all get away from our homes again, we are going to desperately need a change of scenery.

I’m grateful that no one in my family or friend circle seems to have been affected yet. We know of a few distant relations who have and not survived, but far enough removed that we still feel… safe? Not really the right word, but fortunate. Tonight my husband made the most amazing meatballs and gravy (as I have been taught to call pasta sauce by his New York Italian family). We had gluten free brownies which I made with my daughter who has Celiac. They were also delicious. We had teleconference calls with cousins and family, both his and mine today. I felt incredibly grateful for the technology. While the husband was cooking my daughter and I binge watched our respective programs. Kim Possible for her and Hanna for me. While mine was great, I suggest lighter fare during a hopefully once in a lifetime shelter in place. I’ve taken to listening to comedy from Robin Williams when I make dinner. It lightens the mood tremendously, but I wear my airPods to limit the F bombs filtering through the home.

I want to use this time to be so much more productive but today and yesterday it rained. I wanted to be outside for the weekend but instead we were inside. I should look at it as safe and realize we are lucky to have the space we have. I listen to podcasts talking about families my size in New York in 500 square foot apartments. I’m so fortunate to have four times that space with a yard. But when you are locked inside, even a large comfortable home can feel a bit confining.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I’m incredibly grateful that both my husband and I have jobs right now. I’ve had plenty of unemployment in my life but work gives the day some structure. I miss seeing the parents and kids from my daughter’s school. I miss being able to visit my mom and give her a hug. I’m insanely grateful that Starbuck’s still have their drive throughs open. It is the one really normal thing in life right now. I used to go to the grocery to just get away and do a chore, but now that even feels, anxiety producing. No I’m insanely grateful for my family, and food, and connectivity via the internet. I’m grateful for a steady job. I’m grateful for so much. Today is all I have. I’ll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.