My last post here was back in July before I went on vacation and before school started. I had been struggling with faith which has happened at various times in my life. Then we have the recent scandals, again, about sex abuse in the Catholic church. A news item for some. Business as usual for the truly cynical. Add to this the onslaught of misbehavior both legal and more often illegal in our current administration in our daily, even hourly news cycle. We have had fires, floods, the supposed great jobs reports while I saw the end of my second year of unemployment, and I have been feeling rather… stuck.
When inertia takes over a life you are desperately trying to move forward in a direction that you want to control, things can be challenging. For an introvert like myself, I find it remarkably difficult not only to ask for help but to know how to ask for specific help. For example, I don’t just want “a job”. I could probably go to Starbucks and start fixing coffee for people tomorrow. I want a job where I can use my prior skillset of organizing others, driving projects, keeping costs down and most importantly, doing something where I use my brain to write or create connections between people. How does one put this into an “elevator speech” that I can pitch to the amorphous contacts I’m supposed to find? How do I create the right words in a resume that will get it through a computer program that screens endless resumes and direct it to the right opportunity? How do I stay upbeat?
Well, it is hard. I have some in my life who keep recommending certain directions because it has worked for others they know. I have those who tell me not to give up. I’m sure there are others that wonder why I haven’t gotten a job yet. So I work out six out of seven days a week just to keep the endorphins going. Thankfully I don’t drink, but I do still eat too much on occasion. I figure that is just another chance to work out more.
There are those who support my writing. The encouragement of this is one of the things I do treasure greatly. When someone tells me they get what I wrote or understand, I feel like I’m not alone. Still, I often dream of what do I need to write to trigger someone to say, you know you should contact X or have you thought of sending this to Y. I know I should make my own dream to fill in those Xs and Ys, but when I am trying to just get through the day, that can be challenging again. Enter someone to tell me to not give up hope… What else are they supposed to say?
And there I am. Struggling to figure the next step. A next step. I have to turn off all the negative chatter in the world which my mind oddly gets pulled toward when I’m in this state. I need to find a project that can help and make a difference and maybe even give me a working skill. I send out another resume, to at least maybe get an interview so I can practice my message. I’d really like to get paid for some of this but am reminded I have a loving family, a child I can help daily with homework. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I have a husband who supports me through it all. I’m in a helluva lot better shape than others out there, and for this, I am extremely grateful. Grateful, but still stuck.